


The Textual Adventures of Sherlock and John

by DaAmazingMeepers, Mads



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Greg Lestrade - Freeform, Molly Hooper - Freeform, Mycroft Holmes - Freeform, Post Reichenbach, Roleplay, Texting, prepare to die laughing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-17
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2017-12-08 18:06:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 34,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/764380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaAmazingMeepers/pseuds/DaAmazingMeepers, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mads/pseuds/Mads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A peek into the life of Sherlock and John through their texts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Boredom

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collection of texting roleplays between DaAmazingMeepers (playing John) and Mads (playing Sherlock). You may take this as Johnlock if you like, but it will not be listed as such. The only editing done is to fix any typos.

John, I need a medical opinion. -SH

On what? -JW

Is it possible for a human being to actually die of boredom? -SH

Oh thank god, I thought you were going to tell me there was actually something wrong. No, you can't die of boredom. -JW

There is something wrong, and that is I'm bored beyond conception. Are you quite certain? -SH

Yes, Sherlock. There are plenty of things to do, you just don't want to do any of them. -JW

If you ask me to go shopping again I may shoot someone. -SH

We don't need any shopping done right now. You could read a book. -JW

I've read everything in the flat. -SH

Everything? -JW

Literally everything. Everything printed, anyway... -SH

Even the Harry Potter books? I distinctly remember you refusing to read them when I offered the first time. -JW

I gave them to Mrs. Hudson. She's quite enamored with them now. -SH

Those were a gift from Harry! -JW

I'm sure Mrs. Hudson will return them to you if they're that important. -SH

Well I guess I've read them all anyway. -JW

What's the appeal of that sort of thing supposed to be anyway? -SH

It's mindless entertainment. Something to take your mind off of reality. -JW

How can it be entertaining if it's mindless? That makes no sense. -SH

Some people like not having to think about things. -JW

It must be nice to be so ordinary. -SH

You should try it sometime. -JW

I have before, if you'll believe it. -SH

Oh? What did you do? -JW

It was an experiment in secondary school. For a few weeks I decided to try being normal. No deductions, no science, no actual thinking. -SH

You must have gone bonkers. -JW

Of course, by then I had enough of a reputation that everybody knew it wasn't real. And it became more impossible to keep my thoughts quiet. -SH  
Yes, I'll spare you the details, but I completely lost my ability to function. -SH

So, what, you just shut down? -JW

Basically. There may or may not have been a narcotic involved. I was catatonic. -SH

For how long? -JW

Does it matter? A few weeks, I was told. -SH

Wow. Well, I'm very glad you never enjoyed normality in any case. -JW

Yes, I decided never to try that again and now it's in the past. Better off as I am, even if I am in real danger of dying of boredom. -SH

You're not going to die of boredom, Sherlock. Why don't you take a walk? -JW

Nowhere to go. -SH

You don't always need somewhere to go, it could just be a walk around the block. -JW

Okay...walking. -SH

Good. Have fun. -JW

Foreman of nearby construction crew maintaining a stunning four simultaneous lovers! -SH

You're not telling people that you're deducing them, are you? -JW

No, of course not, I'm telling you instead. Now there's a murder case waiting to happen. -SH

If he does turn up dead, don't tell me, because I'll probably laugh. -JW

Can you imagine Lestrade's face if he had to take that case? -SH

Oh god, I really would laugh then. -JW

You know the laundromat a few blocks down? More than clothes getting laundered there, it seems. -SH

What? Oh. Should we tell someone? -JW

Why? -SH

Never mind. At least you're getting entertained. -JW

One must admire their commitment to wordplay. Money laundering at a laundromat, it's almost clever. -SH

That's true, I suppose. -JW

Where have you gone off to, anyway? -SH

Same place I've been for the past several hours. The clinic. -JW

Is it a work day? Hm. -SH

Yes, and the only reason I'm still texting you is because it's a slow day. -JW

No shocking and unexpected diagnosis? -SH

Nope. Hardly anyone has come in at all except for check-ups. -JW

I didn't think anything could be less interesting than my day. Thank you for the perspective. -SH

Don't rub it in. -JW

You're the one who decided to apply at a clinic and not somewhere more fast-paced. Not that you'd have more to do anywhere else... -SH

The rest of my life is fast paced, so I have to take a break sometime. -JW

You're welcome. -SH

I really should be thanking you, you know. -JW

Yes, that's why I said that. Do keep up. -SH

Right. Of course. Anything else interesting on your walk? -JW

The usual uninspiring masses of London. I did tip off one of the homeless network about an approaching community services officer, so at least something good has come out of it. -SH

That's good I suppose. Do you consider any of the homeless network your friends? Or is it strictly business? -JW

Some of them are not complete idiots. -SH

Yes, but I mean have you ever tried to get to know them on a more personal level? -JW

I know everyone on a personal level, whether I want to or not. -SH

Well that's true, but you never hang out with any of them? Enjoy their company? -JW

I did have some compatriots among their number once, but we no longer share the same hobbies. -SH  
And they technically don't like coming to crime scenes. They avoid policemen, understandably. -SH

The same hobbies? Maybe I shouldn't ask. -JW

If you think about it you already know. But I'm not discussing it. -SH

I already know? How would I already know? Unless it's crime solving. -JW

I just told you, I'm not discussing it! -SH

Okay, I won't ask, sorry. No need to make a fuss. -JW  
Oh. Oh wait, I see. Yeah, won't press it, sorry. -JW

Shut up. To answer your question, I imagine I know my contacts in the homeless network on a more personal level than anyone they have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. -SH

I'm sure, I was just curious. -JW

Vastly unpleasant experience, homelessness. Avoid it if at all possible. -SH

Oh wow. Didn't know you were actually homeless at one point. Always did wonder how the whole homeless network thing got started. -JW

I wasn't really. I went undercover to avoid Mycroft for a few days once, which meant I couldn't go back to my flat. But I did get a very clear picture of what it's like. -SH

Well it certainly sounds miserable. Why were you avoiding Mycroft? -JW

Why wouldn't I want to avoid Mycroft? -SH

Right. Silly me. -JW

Now you tell one. -SH

Tell one what? -JW

Something from the past that you don't talk about. You've had about three sordid secrets from the life of Sherlock Holmes today, now it's your turn. -SH

Oh. Well, the reason I don't talk about anything from my past is that there isn't much to talk about. Nothing really interesting happened to me until I met you. -JW

You joined the army. -SH

I did, mostly because I thought it would give me the thrill I wanted that I wasn't getting from everyday life. -JW

You would have gone insane just being a GP the rest of your life. -SH

Maybe so. Either way, you saw where that led me. -JW

You didn't lose any movement in your shoulder. -SH

No, I didn't, which is a good thing since I need to be at full strength just to keep up with you. -JW

I'm sure I'm only about AS difficult as the insurgency. -SH

Well you're definitely more interesting. -JW

And don't you forget it. -SH

Never. Only slightly less mentally scarring, though. -JW

Less? I'll need to work on that. -SH  
It was that bad? -SH

Which, you or the war? -JW

The war. I mean, obviously you've yet to get shot on my account, but ignoring that? -SH

The adrenaline I liked. But my friends were dying all around me, and I was the one who was expected to stitch them back together. It nearly killed me knowing I couldn't save all of them. -JW

Oh. Should have thought. -SH

It's common sense that I can't always help them, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. -JW

With your complex about saving people, that must have been impossible. -SH

I don't have a complex. I did what I had to do. -JW

Maybe "complex" is the incorrect term. But you can't deny that you near-obsessively gravitate towards that kind of thing. "Fixation" perhaps? -SH

So I don't enjoy the feeling. When someone comes to me with a problem and I can't help them it feels like I'm failing in my duty. Is that so strange? -JW

You have a duty to every single person who comes to you with a problem? -SH

Not any problem, I'm talking about as a doctor. When someone comes to me with something I can't fix and I'm supposed to be the one to fix them it's not a good feeling, okay? Imagine someone gives you the biggest case of your life and you can't solve it no matter how hard you try. -JW

That would be frustrating, I suppose. But not for your reasoning. Haven't we been through this? I don't solve cases out of charity. That's more Lestrade. -SH

I know it's not the same reason. Haven't you ever wanted to do something for someone, not just because you're bored, who needed it and you weren't able to do it? -JW

Once, I suppose. -SH

And how did that feel? -JW

Nerve-wracking. Horrible. -SH

That's how I feel every time I hear a heart monitor go flat, or when I have to tell a patient that they only have so much time to live. -JW

Every time? Even with strangers? -SH

It doesn't matter if they're strangers or not. They're entrusting their life and health to me, and in a way I'm breaking that trust. -JW

You do good work, John. Most of your patients live. -SH

I know that. The ones that don't make it still hurt though. -JW

You're really not disproving my "fixation with saving people" theory. -SH

You can say what you like, it's not going to change anything. -JW

I didn't say I disapprove. -SH

You don't think my "feelings are getting in the way" or something like that? -JW

You're no less effective when emotionally invested. Might even be more effective. It's a rare trait. -SH

Good to know, I suppose. Who was the person, by the way? -JW

Which person? -SH

You know, the one you said you wanted to help but couldn't. -JW

It ended up all right. -SH

Okay, but who? Anyone I know? -JW

Yes. -SH

Lestrade then? -JW

You. -SH

Oh. Really? When was that? -JW

At the pool. I couldn't ensure your safety. -SH

Well like you said, everything came out fine, so it wasn't too big of a deal. Or at least it's not now. -JW

Won't happen again. -SH

Good to know. -JW


	2. Milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the milk is missing and John fusses.

Where exactly did all the milk go? -JW

Check the container with the feet. -SH

The only thing that's in there is feet. I just bought some yesterday, so unless you used it all I can't imagine where it's gotten to. -JW

Oh, that's right. Haven't done feet yet. Did you look in the one with the hands? Either way you're not going to want to drink it... -SH

Oh. You know I bought that for drinking, right? -JW

That is the ordinary use of milk, yes. -SH

Well why couldn't you have gotten different milk for experimenting? Or borrowed some from Mrs. Hudson or something? -JW

You want me to use Mrs. Hudson's milk for experiments? I am appalled, John. -SH

Oh never mind. Just pick up some more on your way back, please. -JW

I don't shop for groceries, John. -SH

You do when you're the one who used it up in the first place. -JW

But I'm not going to need more milk anytime soon. Not until I get started with the feet, anyway. -SH

What about for tea? -JW

I don't mind going without as long as there's sugar. -SH

You're not the only one who drinks tea in this flat, Sherlock. -JW

And I'm also not the only one who can get the milk. -SH

But you're already out. -JW

Wasn't planning on stopping. -SH

Are you busy? -JW

I'm always busy. -SH

Yes, but is it busy with a case, or busy for business' sake? -JW

I'll leave you to your deductions. -SH

You couldn't get it just this once? I've got a date tonight. -JW

Does that preclude you from buying milk? -SH

I won't have time tonight, and we'll need some tomorrow. We'll be having a client tomorrow. -JW

An interesting client? -SH

I guess you'll just have to find out, won't you? -JW

I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to buy milk for a boring client. -SH

Well how am I supposed to know if you'll find them boring or not? -JW

You were the one who arranged for them to come to the flat. What were your impressions? -SH

Yes, they seemed really desperate for help, but other than that, I don't know. -JW

Well obviously! They wouldn't consult a detective if they weren't desperate. -SH

I'm not you, Sherlock. I can't tell everything about a person just by looking at them. -JW

You must have at least noticed something. Are you being deliberately vague because you don't think it's going to be an interesting case? -SH

No, you've stated plenty of times that I'm not clever enough to pull that off, so I don't bother. -JW

You're cross with me. Why? -SH

Why would you think I'm cross with you? -JW

Usually you at least try to come off as paying some attention otherwise. You're being deliberately obtuse. -SH

Well, maybe I want you to actually come home instead of deciding everything here is too boring for you. -JW

But there's a fresh corpse in and nobody's using my usual laboratory space. -SH

It's been days since you've been at the flat. You need rest. -JW

I'm all right at least until tomorrow. The march of science doesn't sleep, John. Nor does the criminal class. -SH

It's not healthy for you. Please tell me you've at least eaten something recently. -JW

Define “recently”. -SH

At any point since I last saw you have you eaten something? -JW

I had coffee at some point. -SH

Coffee isn't food, Sherlock. You need to eat something. -JW

All right, all right, don't have a fit. I'll have Molly get something. -SH

You'd better. I'm close to just showing up at the lab and force feeding you a sandwich. -JW

Again? Weren't you the one who was embarrassed by what people said last time? -SH

Just because I was embarrassed doesn't mean I'm willing to let your health decline. -JW

I'm hardly dying of anything, John. -SH

That doesn't change the fact that not eating and not sleeping isn't good for you. -JW

Yes, yes, thank you for your professional input. -SH

You're not going to listen to me, are you? -JW

I'll consider it. I'm not going out of my way. -SH

Fine then, I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. -JW

Exactly. I'll eat when I need to, not before, not after. -SH

I just worry about you sometimes. -JW

I know. We discussed this recently. I'm working on it. -SH

How are you working on it exactly? -JW

I haven't told you to shove your concern and leave me be a single time this conversation. -SH

Oh, so OBVIOUSLY I should be grateful to you. -JW

I don't know what else you want or expect in this case. -SH

I'd like you to take care of yourself better. -JW

You're trying to ask me to take your advice rather than just hearing what you have to say, in other words? -SH

Well, yes, I do want that, but I don't think it's going to happen, so I'll have to settle for you taking care of yourself. -JW

I assure you that I am fine. Nothing untoward is going to happen to me, I promise. Look, I have a sandwich and everything. -SH  
(attached photo of partially eaten sandwich)

Good. Then I'll leave you alone. -JW

That's it? It's that simple? -SH

Well if I keep pressing you we'll both be stressed, and you have your case to think about. -JW

Just don't go thinking I'm going to put up with this sort of thing when I'm actually doing something that can't be interrupted. What about this case then, will you tell me anything about it now that we've established cooperation? -SH

I think they mentioned it was a missing persons case, and they might be rich, but other than that they haven't given me much information. I think they're doing it on purpose so that you'll actually show up. -JW

Ah, then they know of my reputation. I imagine if they're influential enough it'll all be hidden from the press as of yet. Here's hoping it isn't anyone I already know. -SH

The one who contacted me was called Lawrence Weathersby. Sound familiar? -JW

Oh, God. Call back and tell him to rely on our competent and dedicated police force. -SH

I thought you considered the police force incompetent. -JW

Yes. -SH

Is this guy really that bad? -JW

Yes. -SH

I'll tell him then. Do you know when you'll be home? -JW

Really? -SH

Just asking. -JW

No, I meant you'll really get rid of him? -SH

Yes, we've both had enough stress lately. -JW

I'll come back right away. -SH

Oh, okay. What about your case? -JW

Turned out to be open-and-shut. But since I already had claim over the laboratory, I thought I would conduct a few trials anyway. -SH

Right, in that case, since you'll pass by the Tesco anyway, milk? -JW

Yes, all right, since I'm going there anyway. -SH

Good. Great. Thank you. -JW

Don't get used to it. -SH

Of course. -JW

There are several different varieties here. What type of milk do you want? -SH

Just one jug of the 2%. -JW

There's more than one 2%! -SH

It doesn't matter which brand. -JW

There's no difference? -SH

Not a noticeable one. -JW

No? This sounds like something that requires empirical data. -SH

You can't be serious. -JW

Suppose it's impractical to carry every single type back at once. Unless you want to come help? -SH

How determined are you to do this experiment? -JW

You think I shouldn't? What's the harm? -SH

It's a waste of money. -JW

You're concerned about wasting money on this milk experiment but not the experiment where I submerged hands in it? -SH

Because you didn't submerge them in four gallons of it. -JW

Yeah, but once I get done with the feet, the noses, and the ears... -SH

Jesus Sherlock, we practically have the whole morgue in our fridge! -JW

Isn't it convenient? Special gift from Molly. Have to make sure to use everything up before it goes off. -SH

Oh, for god's sake, fine. I'll help you carry the bloody milk. -JW

Excellent. I'll be waiting here. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one technically came before the one in the first chapter, but it was missing from my phone and I only got it after I published the other one, so you're getting it now.
> 
> Also, some of the chapters will be much shorter than the others. Just as a warning.


	3. Fanfiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the boys discover just how crazy their fans actually are.

People are writing stories about us now! -JW

Other than you and the press, you mean? -SH

I mean of us as a couple! -JW

A couple of what? Surely you don't mean as a romantic item... -SH

Unfortunately that's exactly what I mean. -JW

Why? -SH

How should I know?! -JW

When you say "stories"... -SH

I mean watered-down porn. -JW  
Actually, it's not even watered down. -JW

John, you're the expert of this sort of thing, how am I supposed to feel about this? -SH

What? What do you mean I'm an expert on this? -JW

Both pornography and appropriate social interactions are your province. How am I supposed to feel about this? Flattered? -SH

What? Sherlock, these people think we're shagging each other and are writing graphic stories about it! How can that not be taken in an offensive way? -JW

If I got offended every time someone was wrong I'd never be able to stop. -SH

So it doesn't bother you that all these people are assuming these things about you? -JW

People tend to assume far worse things about me than sodomy with my flatmate. -SH

They draw pictures of it too! -JW

I'm looking into this now. It seems not all of this is pornographic. -SH

The link that someone sent me on the blog was. -JW

This is obscene! -SH

That's what I've been trying to tell you! -JW

The one I'm reading has me breaking down and crying in your arms! -SH

That IS out of character. Not sure if I would call that bit obscene though. -JW

It's completely obscene! This is the most offensive, inappropriate, badly-written drivel that has ever made a mockery of the English language! -SH

That's seriously the part you're offended by? -JW

Of course it is. There is absolutely no circumstance in which that is even vaguely conceivable. -SH

And there is for us shagging? -JW

I could see how one might erroneously draw that conclusion. Two adults living together who are both, as you put it, "unattached". People do assume. -SH

Well, maybe, but still. -JW

On the other hand, this business about my hidden emotional side is entirely unjustified and entirely your fault. -SH

My fault?! How is it my fault?! -JW

Your blog! These people are obviously fans. And you're always going on and on, "Oh, after all Sherlock really cares!" -SH

Well you do care about certain things. -JW

Science. Cases. Not being bored. None of this "fanfiction" is about that. -SH

And Mrs. Hudson, and Lestrade, since you were willing to jump off a building for them. -JW

Is this subject open for discussion now? -SH

How would you jumping off a building be open for discussion? It's not like we can debate on whether or not you jumped off a building. -JW

I mean, if I mention it from now on, you're not going to get all affected and "how could you Sherlock" anymore? -SH

No, I understand it was necessary now. -JW

Good then. Nonetheless, my willingness to save your lives in no way justifies any of...this. -SH

I'm not saying that. I agree with you. -JW

This "Sherlock Fandom" seems rather extensive. -SH

Extensive how? -JW

There are a really shockingly large amount of them. And it seems it's not just stories and pictures. -SH

Oh god, what else is there? -JW

People dress up as us. Down to your jumper. Isn't there some law against this? -SH

Against dressing like me? Not as far a I know. -JW

None of them have the right coat. -SH

I'm sure they would if they knew where to look. -JW

I'm reading one of the fan stories. Seems to be one of the more popular ones. It's terrible. -SH

Why are you still reading them? -JW

Morbid curiosity, I suppose. It's a strange feeling. -SH

Right. Dare I ask what that story is about? -JW

I get a brain tumor and you're upset about it. -SH

I imagine I would get a bit upset if you got a brain tumor. -JW

Is there really such a thing as a brain tumor that kills the person inside a month of becoming noticeable? -SH

Not unless the one with the tumor was stupid enough to ignore all the signs for months on end. -JW

Good to know. I'm going to stop reading these now. -SH

That's good. I think all that would cause more damage to your brain than a tumor would. -JW

Malignant fanwork. God, I need a case. -SH

You could look on the blog to see if anyone's made any inquiries. -JW

I think I'll put up an entry on the finer points of the criminality of libel. -SH

It's not like anyone will pay attention to it. -JW

People read my blog! -SH

A very small amount of people. And people tend to acknowledge what they want to. -JW

At least my blog is scientific. Yours encourages all sorts of nonsense, as evidenced today. -SH

No need to get all huffy, it's not my fault more people enjoy reading what I have to say than what you do. -JW

I am not huffy! -SH

You are now. -JW

I'm going out. -SH

Okay then. You going to be back for dinner? -JW

Not hungry. -SH

Right. You're sulking. -JW

I am not. -SH

Yeah you are. -JW

I am a grown man. -SH

Adults can sulk just as well as children. -JW

I am not sulking. I'm just not in the mood to eat. -SH

Sure, whatever you say. Maybe you can ask Lestrade if he has anything for you. -JW

...Lestrade's seen the fan stories. -SH

Oh dear god. I'm sure he's highly entertained by it all. -JW

He keeps texting "lol" at me. Who taught him internet abbreviations? -SH

Probably Donovan. Or possibly Molly. -JW

Would have had to have been Molly. Sally doesn't know about anything that might involve enjoyment. -SH

I suppose you'll have to thank her for that. -JW

Have you seen Molly's blog? If it's possible to cause diabetes from a website I think she may have figured out how. -SH

Didn't know Molly had a blog. Does it have anything interesting on there? -JW

There is a couple of entries on when she thought she was dating Jim from IT, but otherwise no, it's all dull. -SH

I wonder who else has a blog on the force. -JW

Keeping a blog requires at least basic literacy cognition, so Anderson's out. -SH

If he did have one it would probably be all about how much he hates you. -JW

He has other interests, like seeing how many of the female members of the police force he can convince to "scrub his floors". -SH

Oh. I thought it was just Sally. -JW

She's the longest so far. Seems their mutual distaste for me gives them something to bond over. -SH

I wonder when his wife will figure it out. -JW

My theory is that she already knows, but she won't confront him about it or else he'll start asking about her own affairs. -SH

Oh. Well they're just a messed up pair, aren't they? -JW

It's only a theory, but it's logically sound. What kind of person would willingly stay with Anderson? -SH

Someone just as bad, right. -JW

And Lestrade's willingly blind to the whole thing. Scotland Yard is practically one of those police-themed melodramas you're so fond of. -SH

Maybe we should talk to some director about filming that. -JW

Who would the central character be, Lestrade? -SH

Probably. They do call him the "silver fox of Scotland Yard" down there. -JW

Why a fox? -SH

That's just what people call older men who they find attractive. -JW

People find Lestrade attractive? -SH

Apparently so. -JW

Will wonders never cease. Anyway, a crime show about Lestrade would never work. -SH

Why not? -JW

Because in crime shows the main character actually solves the case at the end of the episode. -SH

That's true. But crime shows are usually fictional anyway. -JW

And usually boring. -SH

To you. The general public is generally more easily entertained. -JW

Evidently. Sherlock fan fiction. Ridiculous. -SH

You have to admit that our lives are a bit more interesting than the usual. -JW

Only because "the usual" sets such an unacceptably low standard. What I do is science, not a novel. -SH

Well it's not like there's anything we can do except lay low, and you'll get bored if we do that. -JW

No, I suppose there's nothing to be done about it. -SH

They're probably going to start following us around to get "proof". -JW

That could become a problem. -SH

So what do we do about it? -JW

You said so yourself that there's nothing we can do. -SH

We'll have to do something when they start following us on cases, regardless. -JW

If they get in the way of crime scenes I suppose we could have them arrested. -SH

That won't last long though. God, what if they start following us home? -JW

There are routes we can take to escape notice. Hopefully people will be bored of us before it comes to that. -SH

Bored? Of our lives? I don't know if that's possible. They take everything as proof of our "undying love". -JW

Everything? -SH

They took a picture of us looking at each other and said that we were having "eye sex", whatever that means. -JW

That isn't biologically possible! -SH

You don't have to tell me that. -JW

We can't even look at each other?! I look at a lot of things I'm not having sex with! -SH

Are you sure? That murder case file was getting an awful lot of your attention last week. -JW

Ha ha. Joke if you like, but your reputation is more at stake than mine. -SH

Isn't it pretty equal? -JW

I'm not the one who needs the women of London to believe he's eligible. -SH

Ah. Right. Damnit. -JW

Just imagine, being on a date and everything going well until you realize she's one of them. -SH

Why do you think I'm always talking about how I'm not gay? Not that anyone believes me. -JW

Evidently it doesn't do much good at all. -SH

I don't understand why no one believes me. I've only ever dated women. -JW  
Oh sweet jesus. -JW

What now? -SH

Don't look up omegaverse. -JW

...deleting. -SH

I tried to tell you. -JW

You couldn't have expected me not to! -SH

I knew you would look at it, but that doesn't mean I can't say I told you so. -JW

Noted. Change the subject before I actually form a memory of this. -SH

What am I supposed to change it to? That's all I can think about now! -JW

Something else. Anything else. Molly's new haircut. -SH

Oh wait, is Lestrade still bothering you about the stories? -JW

Apparently he's showing them around at the Yard. -SH

Well if you want him to stop you now have blackmail against him. I just found stories of him and Mycroft. -JW

Excuse me while I suffocate from laughing. -SH

That was about my reaction too. Have they even met? -JW

Mycroft does order Lestrade around sometimes... -SH

Hmm, suspicious. Maybe you should confront him about it. I'm sure he'll tell you all about how they plan to elope on the Holmes family estate. -JW

This may be the best thing to ever happen to me. Picture Mycroft's face! -SH

You should tell him and then get a picture of it to send to me. -JW

Next time he comes by the flat. We should set up a hidden camera. -SH

Oh god, yes. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who are unaware, John, Sherlock and Molly's blogs all exist in real life!
> 
> John: http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/  
> Sherlock: http://www.thescienceofdeduction.co.uk/  
> Molly: http://www.mollyhooper.co.uk/blog/ (Prepare for diabeetus.)


	4. Cuteness Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a furry bundle of joy settles into 221B and Sherlock is shocked to find he is not immune to her charms.

Don't be upset, but I found a kitten and brought it back to the flat. -JW

A live one? -SH

Yes, Sherlock. You're the only one who feels the need to bring dead animals back to the flat. -JW

That's alright, I'm sure I could think of something to do with a live one. -SH

NO, she's not for experimenting. -JW

Oh, you mean you're going to keep it as a pet. Just keep its fur clean. I will not have cat dander in my experiments. -SH

Oh, okay. Expected you to put up more of a fuss, actually. -JW

I am quite serious about what I said about the experiments, John. No interferences. -SH

Alright, alright, she won't touch your experiments. It would help if you didn't just leave them out in the open though. -JW

Ah, I see. This is your way of getting me to put them away once and for all. -SH

No, although that would be a nice side effect. I took her home because she was wet and cold and looked like she needed some love. -JW

Ah. That's unsurprising. I would have supposed you preferred dogs though. -SH

I do tend more toward dogs, but it was a cat I found and I like cats too, so that's what I brought home. -JW

So I was right. Simple deduction, really. -SH

Yes, I'm sure you feel very proud of yourself. -JW

Subordinate, loyal, easily trained, active, potentially violent. I rather enjoy dogs myself. -SH

Good to know if we ever get a dog. -JW

Although now that I think about it, it makes sense that you like cats. -SH

Oh? Why is that? -JW

Cats are intelligent, aloof, occasionally demanding, and can't be bothered with other people's nonsense. -SH

How does that all that relate to me liking cats? -JW

You see, but you do not observe. Never you mind. -SH

What? But I want to know! -JW  
Is it because you basically just described yourself? -JW

Only that you have been known to appreciate some catlike qualities. Oh, I should add "graceful". And "mysterious". -SH

Okay, a little full of ourselves, aren't we? -JW

Who, me? I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, John. -SH

Mmhm, sure. -JW

What will you call it? Nothing stupid. -SH

Well, since you're being so nice about her, I thought I would let you name her. The "nothing stupid" rule applies to you too. -JW

Oh, don't ask me. "Felis catus" is too much of a mouthful. -SH

...Then maybe Felicia? I mean, it kind of sounds like what you said. -JW

But it's not as scientific. Can we call it "Crime Scene"? -SH

No, we are not calling HER "Crime Scene". -JW

I suppose "Murder Weapon" is out as well, then. -SH

You're not even trying, are you? -JW

Oh, oh, we could name it "Scotland Yard", and then when it manages to catch mice we could hold press conferences. -SH

Couldn't you come up with something that sounds a little more...feminine, maybe? -JW

It's a cat. I doubt it much cares about human gender signifiers. -SH

But she's too cute to have a really scientific name. -JW

No science at all? -SH

If you want to base something off of a scientific term, that's fine. -JW

"Hydrogen atom"? Hydrogen is cute. -SH

In whose mind, exactly? -JW

Only one little electron going around? It's quite cute. What about "background research"? Of all the steps in the scientific method, that's the most "cute". -SH

I'm not talking about the actual actions. Look, why don't you research names and see which ones have meanings you like. -JW

You think we should give it a human name? -SH

Well all of the non-human names haven't exactly been ideal. -JW

I see no problem with naming a cat "Crime Scene". -SH

And that is where you and I differ in opinion. -JW

Why don't you just name it? It's your cat. -SH

Because I want you to have a part in owning her too. -JW

It's not enough that it'll be living in our flat? -SH

But then you'll only be co-existing with her instead of partially being her owner. -JW

I don't see a distinction. -SH

Oh never mind, just pick a name. -JW

Hypatia, Lise Meitner, or Rosalind Franklin. Not Marie Curie, everyone says Marie Curie. -SH

...Hypatia. I like that one. What does it mean? -JW

Hypatia of Alexandria. She was the first female scientist on record, and she encouraged logic and reason over religion. She was then killed by an angry mob. -SH

Lovely. Probably didn't need to know about the killing, but it still works. Now then, was that so hard? -JW

Yes. Your standards for cat names are ludicrously high. -SH

Oh come on, you have to admit Hypatia is a much nicer name than Crime Scene. -JW

It's distinctive. And imagine how Lestrade would react. It would be hilarious. -SH

You can't base all your important decisions on how Lestrade will react to them. -JW

Don't you think having a pet called "Crime Scene" would suit me, though? -SH

Maybe so, but a female pet? -JW

Crime scenes are gender-neutral. -SH

But it doesn't suit her. -JW

Well how am I supposed to know that? -SH

Maybe you should come home and see for yourself. -JW  
[Picture of kitten] Look, does that look like a "Crime Scene" to you? -JW

That is a cat. -SH

No, she's not quite a year old yet, and that means she's still a kitten. -JW

Yes. Right. A kitten. Yes. -SH

What's the matter? -JW

It's cute. -SH

Oh. Wow. Never thought I'd catch you using that word. -JW

I don't like this phenomenon. Why can't I construct a coherent thought about about this?! -SH

It's not something you have to think too hard on. You don't have to ponder why something is cute, it just is. -JW

Unacceptable. This requires further research. -SH

What research? What are you going to do, take a survey? -JW

Perhaps. Background research first. I can usually count on your opinions for this sort of thing, what do you consider to be cute? -SH

Oh for gods sake, you can't be serious. -JW

Of course I'm serious. Does this strike you as a joke? -SH

It just seems a bit silly to research cuteness. -JW

Research is never silly. What's silly is being affected by it. It's vitally important to know one's enemy, John. -SH

The kitten isn't your enemy. -JW

Anything that negatively affects my mental processes is to be regarded as my enemy. The kitten isn't a problem so much as whatever psychological defect makes me find it so charming. -SH

What? How is thinking something is cute affecting your mental process? -JW

Because it's a very consuming thought! I can't concentrate on how its organs work or where it's been if I keep thinking about how endearing it is! -SH

Wow, you really think she's that cute? -JW

I don't find animals cute. Animals are supposed to be functional. -SH

Well there's a first time for everything. -JW

Don't spread this around. -SH

Don't worry, I won't. Wouldn't want the Yard to think you'd gone all soft. -JW

Precisely. -SH

Maybe you'll have to come back to the flat to see her in person. -JW

Alright, I'm bored of being out anyway. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few of the RPs, including this one, originally had pictures attached. As I still don't know how to insert pictures into the story, you will have to do with using your imaginations.
> 
> Also, who sides with Sherlock in the Great Cat Name War and who with John? Scientific or human name? I have a few differing opinions.


	5. Cuteness Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock's delve into the study of cuteness begins.

You didn't answer before. What is "cute" in your opinion? Jumpers? -SH

Well if you're really determined to do this, it isn't jumpers so much as the person in the jumper. -JW

I see. Girlfriends, then, are they "cute" in your opinion. -SH

Well generally the ones I date I consider to be cute, or else I wouldn't date them. -JW

But you wouldn't date a cat, and cats are cute. -SH

Because cats are a different kind of cute. -JW

There's different kinds? No, I think it must be a conflation of two distinct concepts into a single term. From now on you should only refer to "cute" women as "sexually attractive". -SH

You want me to tell every woman I want to date, "I think you're sexually attractive"? -JW

That would be the most honest way to go about it, yes. -SH

Women don't react as well to that as they do to "cute". -JW

I'm reading up on the concept now. "Cute" traits are thought to resemble infants. Women want to be thought of as infantile? -SH

No, I'm assuming not. Cute can mean different things, Sherlock. -JW

Furthermore, I have no intention of raising an infant. Shouldn't I be immune to this affect? -SH

Kittens are basically baby cats, so most baby animals are considered cute. Although it really doesn't just have to be babies. -JW

Humans find cats and dogs in general because the maintain childlike features, particularly large heads, into adulthood. Apparently. -SH

Are you looking at a website? -JW

Yes. -SH

What kind of website analyzes cuteness? -JW

Started on Wikipedia and went on from there. Konrad Lorenz published some research on the subject in 1949. -SH

Of course they did. I can't believe you're so serious about this. -JW

Is it so surprising? There is no subject which cannot be understood more thoroughly through the application of the scientific method. No real subject, anyway. -SH

And what would you consider to be an unreal subject? -JW

Religion, philosophy, sentiment. Though even those can be explained through neuroscience to an extent. -SH

Do you think you're going to get a satisfactory answer? -JW

Not just through background research. Will have to draw my own conclusions through hands-on study. -SH

What do you mean "hands on study"? -JW

We're going to need to acquire as many "cute" things as possible for study. Since I'm the only one I trust to be the judge of these things, I'll have to carefully detail my own reactions. -SH

How exactly do you expect to "acquire" these cute things? -JW

However is necessary, John. -SH

I don't like the sound of that. -JW

All in the name of science, John. So we know anyone with a small child? -SH

You'd better not be thinking of kidnapping. -JW

I didn't think you'd agree to it. Relax, I was just testing the waters... -SH

Good lord, Sherlock. Couldn't you just study Hypatia? -JW

That's fine for a start. But one cat is far too small a sample size. -SH

What are you going to do, start bringing cats back to the flat? -JW

Possibly. Only on a temporary basis, of course. -SH

I thought you didn't want a mess. -JW

You're right, once we fed them they wouldn't leave. Will have to start with inanimate "cute" objects until I can make alternative arrangements. -SH

People are going to think we've adopted a child. -JW

We have just adopted a cat. Now explain to me the appeal of "Hello Kitty". -SH

People don't buy stuffed animals for their pets. How should I know why people like Hello Kitty? They think it's cute, I guess. -JW

But why?! Isn't it just rather odd-looking? -SH

I don't know, I'm not a big fan of Hello Kitty. You'll have to ask Molly. -JW

Molly would probably know, but if I asked her she would inevitably get the wrong idea. -SH

The wrong idea about what? You just want to know why people think it's cute. -JW

And you know that, but she'll think I've gone all sentimental. -Sh

Or she could just decide that you're being you. -JW

I suppose if I explain that it's strictly for science... -SH

Don't see why she wouldn't believe you. -JW

Then I will defer to the expert opinion on the subject. -SH

Good then. Are you at the flat? -JW

Yes. Can't see the cat, though. -SH

Just open a can of tuna, she'll come right to you. -JW

It seems that cats have as finely-tuned senses as they say. Yet another thing we have in common. -SH

Well the smell of tuna is pretty strong. -JW

Does she eat anything with a weaker scent? We should compare reaction times between types of food. -SH

I don't know, I guess you could try the dry cat food. Just don't overfeed her. -JW

Won't she stop eating if she isn't hungry? -SH

Sometimes kittens don't have a sense of self control. -JW

You're unexpectedly knowledgeable about cats. When did you have one before? -SH

Harry had one when we were kids, but she didn't really take care of it, so I ended up doing most of the work. -JW

That's not particularly surprising. -SH

Yeah, she never was one for personal responsibility...or otherwise. -JW

We had animals, but at some point early on my parents thought it best to be rid of them. -SH

Why? Was one of you allergic? -JW

Not exactly...apparently there were concerns that I might dissect them. -SH

Oh. That figures. Would you have? -JW

Possibly. I'd have more than likely at least waited until they died naturally, but the "sociopath" label does come from somewhere. -SH

That's good, I suppose. About waiting to dissect them, I mean. What kind of animals did you have? -JW

There were some large dogs who lived outside and an old cat to kill mice. Mind you, there weren't any mice even after they got rid of the cat. My mother also kept a horse, but not at the house, of course. -SH

Wow, sounds like your family is really into animals. -JW

All for practical purposes. Although I highly doubt anyone actually used the dogs for hunting. -SH

Well then I think you can count them as pets. -JW

They weren't my responsibility. And they were gone before I had much of a chance to enjoy them. -SH

Well it's a good job we got a pet for you to enjoy now, isn't it? -JW

Yes. I suppose so. I promise I won't dissect her. -SH

Good to know. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, who all can explain why they think things are cute? Anyone?


	6. Cuteness - BONUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock finds a new perk to owning a cat.

[Picture of Hypatia glaring] I think she's got your glare down. -JW

I taught her specifically. -SH

Wait, you taught our cat how to glare? Why? -JW

In case Mycroft shows up, obviously. -SH

You think Hypatia is going to scare your brother away? -JW

No, not really. Want to see if he'll say anything if we do it in synchronization. -SH

I'm sure he will. It's hard enough to train a cat to use a litter box, and you teach her how to glare at people. -JW

Well, I am a genius. -SH

So it seems. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's very short, but we can't control where our roleplays decide to end. Hence, all of our sessions this short will be mini chapters. I suppose I could have just put all the mini ones in their own oneshot, but I'm a bit OCD about that sort of thing.


	7. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John tries to get Sherlock to participate in holiday activities.

[Picture of John pointing at a tree in a tree lot] What do you think of this one? -JW

Functionally identical to all the other ones. -SH

They don't look completely alike, or I wouldn't ask you for your opinion. -JW

That's why I said "functionally". You can pick, John. -SH

That takes half the fun out of it! -JW

Half the fun is my opinion on trees? -SH

Half the fun is picking with friends. It takes something away from the experience when it's only you. -JW

It's much better for everyone involved that I didn't go with you. -SH

Oh come on, how much trouble could you cause in a tree lot? -JW

For one thing, I could get bored and set the place on fire. You never know. -SH

I think you're just making excuses. -JW

There's nothing for me to do in a tree lot! Not unless someone dies there. -SH

Here's an idea, you could always pick a tree. -JW

I don't care about trees. Or holidays in general. -SH

I know, but you could at least pretend. -JW

I humor you. I'll play you your choice of saccharine carols when you get back. -SH

Are you going to help decorate the tree? -JW

I suppose you'll insist. -SH

Well I would appreciate it. -JW

I've hung some lights. Satisfied? -SH

I haven't even brought a tree home yet. Where did you hang the lights? -JW

Above the fireplace and around the skull painting. -SH

That's very nice. I did say decorate the tree, though. -JW

It's the tree that matters to you specifically? -SH

It's just something I like to do with the people closest to me. Like I said, not nearly as fun by myself. -JW

Alright, alright. I said I humor you. I'll help. Is your latest date coming? -SH

No, she's visiting her parents today. And anyway, she's mad at me right now. -JW

Again? I don't know what you keep doing to antagonize these women. -SH

It's usually because they think I'm using them to cover up a relationship with you. -JW

Absurd. In this day and age if we were dating we could be public about it. -SH

Not to mention I think I know my own sexuality. -JW

Yes, obviously. Now if you could only convince your girlfriends... -SH

I don't know what I have to do to convince them. They seem to decide for themselves before knowing the whole story. -JW

Sleeping with them doesn't work? -SH

Apparently not, although I haven't slept with every girl I've dated. Some of them leave me before we get to that stage. -JW

If you engage in sexual relations with a woman, that does imply you are interested in sex with women. -SH

Women are confusing. Maybe I should just give up on relationships altogether and join a Tibetan monastery. -JW

Nonsense. I've never felt the need to relocate to Tibet. -SH

You aren't exactly joined to me at the hip. -JW

No, but it's a very simple matter to give up on relationships right here in London. -SH

That's true. Looks like you're stuck with me. -JW

Tibet will lose out on the opportunity to see some truly astounding jumpers. -SH

I'm fairly certain they have a dress code that requires togas or something. -JW

Wouldn't be able to celebrate Christmas either. -SH

I expect that's a side effect that you wouldn't mind too terribly much. -JW

No, but I would have equally little patience for whatever Buddhist tradition the monastery practiced. -SH

Last I checked their religion didn't seem to be very overbearing. -JW

Not nearly as overbearing as any given Christian tradition, no. -SH

Of course you probably wouldn't do very well with the karma bit. -JW

Reincarnation. Ridiculous concept, although I maintain that Heaven and Hell are more so. -SH

Either way, I suppose we would both miss London. Buttered tea just isn't the same as a good cuppa. -JW

No other nation on Earth makes decent tea. And London is my preferred location for solving crimes. -SH

Well that settles it: we're never leaving. -JW

You prefer it here too. If it can't be Helmand Province. -SH

Guilty as charged. Although I can admit that London now beats Helmand Province in my book. -JW

You wouldn't go back if you could? -SH

Not by now. It's way more interesting living with you. -JW

Good. I won't leave either. Not again. -SH

Good. Thank you. That means a lot. -JW

Likewise. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this isn't exactly in season now, we wrote it months ago, and I'm not waiting until December to post it, so have fun celebrating Christmas early! Or late, I suppose.
> 
> Also, buttered tea is a real thing. Look it up.


	8. Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock is lazy about Christmas shopping.

Buy yourself a gift next time you're out. -SH

It can't really be called a gift if you're buying it for yourself. -JW

I'll pay for it, so it's a gift. -SH

What brought this on? -JW

Isn't that what one does for one's friend? Merry Christmas and so on and so forth. -SH

While I appreciate the effort it's taking to acknowledge the holidays, there's still over two weeks until Christmas. You still have plenty of time to pick out a gift yourself. -JW

Time isn't the issue. I find shopping boring and I find the holidays boring. You don't mind one and like the other, so it makes more sense for you to do it yourself. -SH

It feels more special when the friend does the picking. -JW

You aren't particularly wanting for anything practical. -SH

You don't have to necessarily buy me anything. A gift can be anything. -JW

Oh yes, I could make you a little book of coupons for favors. I'm not a child, John. -SH

Look, you don't have to put much thought into it. Someone as observant as you should be able to figure something out. -JW

You would be most satisfied with a book, a DVD, or something useful. You appreciate luxury items when you have them, but you are a practical man. -SH

See? That should give you plenty of ideas right there. -JW

But we have plenty of relevant books I know you haven't read, your taste in films is questionable, and if there was anything you lacked that would prove useful to you, you'd simply purchase it yourself. -SH

What do you mean my taste in films is questionable? I think my taste in movies is just fine. -JW

For one, you won't stop going on about that Lord of the Rings prequel film. -SH

It's a classic! And I rather like the actor who plays Bilbo. -JW

"Classic" doesn't equate to "interesting". And that actor only makes about two facial expressions the entire movie. -SH

Oh come on, that's not true! -JW

"Slightly confused" and "scared"? Hardly going to win any awards. Certainly he'd be better in something else. -SH

And I'm sure you have suggestions? -JW

I'm a detective, not an agent. -SH

You can just pick something you think I might like, I'll be happy. -JW

So it's more important to you that I pick it out than whatever the actual item is. -SH

Yes, and that's generally how gifts work. -JW

I know how it works! I don't want to buy you a token something, I want to improve your life somehow. -SH

That's probably one of the most thoughtful things you've ever said. -JW

And the person most qualified to designate what gift would do that is you. So pick something for yourself. -SH

And there drops the other shoe. -JW

Not good? -SH

I told you, Sherlock, I'll be happy with anything you get me. Really, it will make my life better just knowing it came from you. -JW

Oh really? Anything at all? -SH

Well, within reason. Meaning no body parts. -JW

You know me well. -SH

I should hope so after living with you this long. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be fair about the "only two facial expressions" thing, that's pretty much how Martin Freeman described himself when he was on the Colbert Report.xD


	9. Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John tries to convince Sherlock to play in the snow with him.

[Picture of Sherlock snowman] I think I captured your likeness quite nicely. :) -JW

Looks more like you if you took my scarf, if you ask me. -SH

Oh relax, I found it in a bottom drawer, hardly used. -JW

It's fine, I don't like that one. -SH

You should join me, this is actually a lot of fun. -JW

Too cold and too little point. -SH

It's not that cold. Only after you've been outside for a while. Haven't you ever played in the snow? -JW

I get cold more quickly than you do. Also, I'm an adult. -SH

That's because you don't have any body fat to keep you warm. And playing in the snow isn't just for kids. -JW

Oh? Look around you and estimate the ages of your playmates. -SH

I bet I could get Greg to come out here. -JW

He's on a case. Obvious triple murder that he won't stop bothering me about. -SH

Well if he wasn't busy he would. -JW

Perhaps. If he brought along a child. Because what you're doing is childish. -SH

Maybe, but it's also fun, and I'm taking as much of that as I can get. -JW

I do envy you, John. -SH

I know, but we can't all have my stunning good looks. -JW

So easily amused. It must be so peaceful in your brain. -SH

Considering you've never played in the snow before, I don't think you have a right to judge. For all you know it could be a real workout on your brain. -JW

I didn't say I haven't. I said it was childish. And unless you use the snow to conceal a murder, I'm not interested. -SH

Okay, so when was the last time you actually tried it? Age five? It could be more enjoyable than you remembered. -JW

Please. I was past all that silliness by four and a half. -SH

So you don't ever feel like revisiting your childhood? -JW

Why would I? -SH

To let loose a little? To take a load off your mind? There are plenty of reasons. -JW

I'm not the nostalgic type. -SH

You reminisce about old cases all the time. -JW

That's for practical purposes. Criminals often follow patterns. Reconsidering old cases is useful for recognizing new ones. -SH

Okay, fine, I'll let it slide for today, but at some point I will get you to play in the snow. -JW

You're awfully determined about this. -SH

You've been cooped up in the flat for weeks, and it's not as fun playing in the snow by myself. -JW

And you're just going to keep doing two-person activities alone in the hope that I'll join you? -SH

Well, that's not why I start, but that's usually where my mind ends up going. I enjoy trying to get you doing things besides deducing. -JW

Alright, but why? Deduction is what I'm good at. -SH

Yes, but diversity is a good thing, Sherlock. -JW

I'm a specialist. The work is what matters. -SH

And you do it well, but you have to have something to do between cases. The wall demands it. -JW

I haven't done anything to the wall! Not today anyway. -SH

But it still happens, and that's a bit not good. -JW

I suppose not. Mrs. Hudson does get so tetchy about it. -SH

Exactly. Now you see my reasoning? -JW

You don't like it when I'm bored. -SH

Partially that. And it's also nice to see you do "normal" things every once in a while. -JW

That's the part I don't understand. Where's the appeal in that? -SH

It's nice to know you're capable. -JW

Of course I am. -SH

One starts to wonder after months of straight deducing. -JW

I've done some other things...once or twice... -SH

Mmhm, at my insistence. -JW

I am fine. -SH

Never said you weren't. -JW

Good. There's tea when you come in. See? Normal and functional. -SH

But tea is something you do anyways. -JW

But I'm making it instead of asking you. -SH

I'm assuming you made tea for yourself before I came along. -JW

Yes, when the mood struck. -SH

So you don't exactly go out of your way when making tea. -JW

No, but by that logic, neither do you. -SH

Yes, but I'm "ordinary". -JW

Alright, no tea then. -SH

I didn't mean I didn't want any tea. -JW

It's here when you want it, then. -SH

Good. I'm on my way home. I'm cold and wet by now. -JW

Entirely your own doing, I remind you. -SH

I'm not complaining. My time was well spent. -JW

Did you make a snow John as well? -SH

Yeah, but I didn't think it looked much like me, so I didn't take a picture. -JW

As long as you didn't leave snow Sherlock all by himself. -SH

Of course not. -JW

Snowmen might be more sentimental, you see. -SH

Oh, of course. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh how I wish I could show off the picture of Benedict Snowbatch that came with this prompt!


	10. Siblings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John avoids Harry like the plague.

Please tell me Harry isn't at the flat. -JW

I can tell you whatever you'd like to hear. -SH

Say whatever you need to to get her out of the house. Well, within reason. -JW

She seems rather set on speaking with you. -SH

Tell her I'm not going back for a whole week or something. -JW

All right, she's gone. I took out the intestines. -SH

Thank you. -JW

I suppose she didn't have the stomach for it. -SH

...Was that a bad body parts joke? -JW

I thought you might enjoy it. -SH

I did rather, actually. -JW

She seems to like Hypatia, though. If I'd left her alone they might have entertained one another for hours. -SH

That's no surprise. Harry's always liked cats. -JW

She's been bothering you recently. -SH

Good deduction, yes. -JW

And you don't wish do discuss it. -SH

It's not that I don't want to discuss it, it's just a tad humiliating. -JW

Has she been trying to convince you to come out of the closet again? -SH

More than that, she thinks I'm dating you. -JW

Well that's hardly news. She made a comment indicating that on your first blog entry about me. -SH

Yes, but I think she wants to confront me on all the art out there. -JW

You certainly didn't draw any of it. -SH

I don't think she cares. -JW

She's only looking to invest in your romantic life since her own is rather desolate as of late. -SH

Well she can put the effort into getting Clara back then. -JW

You liked her too, am I wrong? -SH

She was good for Harry. One of the nicest people I know. -JW

And Harry did away with her, of course. -SH

Harry doesn't know a good thing when it's right in front of her face. -JW

She hasn't had a drink for some time, at least. Not all bad news. -SH

That's good. Hopefully it will last. -JW

It's not impossible. -SH

Maybe I'll check on her later. Just didn't feel like dealing with her today. -JW

If only there were some way to set Mycroft on Harry. Then they could cause trouble for one another and leave us alone. -SH

That...actually doesn't sound like too bad of an idea. I get the feeling that they would hate each other. -JW

Of course it's a good idea. I came up with it, after all. But it would never work. He has no reason to deal with her, particularly not in person. -SH

Maybe we could lure them both to the flat and then just make a break for it. -JW

We could lock them together somewhere! -SH

Yep, this needs to happen. -JW

No. Wait. They might decide to team up. No good. -SH

They'd probably kill each other first. -JW

The best part is that she's just close enough that Mycroft wouldn't be able to make her disappear. -SH

This may just be the best idea you've ever come up with. -JW

And she would annoy him so! We need to figure out a way to engineer this and save it for when they're both being really insufferable. -SH

Count me in. -JW

If they did manage to work together, though, I would dread the result. Especially given their mutual love of meddling. -SH

I'm trying to block that image out, actually. -JW

Mycroft has masterminded multiple negotiations with rogue states. Much as I hate to admit it, the likelihood that he could negotiate with your sister is...significant. -SH

Drat. Guess we're stuck with them. -JW

She'll be bored with your love life soon enough. I could convince her that I'm wrong for you in about 2.6 insults anyway. -SH

I'm tempted to let you loose on her. -JW

She would expect you to side with her, you wouldn't, and it would cause you more strife. -SH

Damn. Life is so complicated. -JW

Deduction, I've found, rarely solves one's own interpersonal problems, for some reason. -SH

Pity. Guess I'll actually socialize. -JW

Or just ignore your sister, in this case. -SH

I'll talk to her eventually. Just not today. -JW

As it is, she's gone now, so you can return if you like. -SH

Oh good. I'll stop by the Tesco on the way home. Need anything? -JW

You might want some air freshener. The intestine is starting to smell. -SH

Oh for god's sake, is that the one I told you to throw out last Thursday? -JW

I can neither confirm nor deny. -SH

Throw it out, Sherlock. -JW

But John, our having this in the flat was so convenient in getting rid of Harry. -SH

And I'm sure there's plenty more where that came from. Toss it. -JW

Aren't you interested in the long-term postmortem effect of poisons on the digestive system? -SH

Do you really need to ask? -JW

It was worth a try. Suppose you're only interested in intestines when they're still in people. -SH

I'm not particularly interested in intestines at all. I put up with them for the sake of my job and you. -JW

So you're going to dispose of them when you get back either way. -SH

Pretty much, although I would much rather you did before I got home. -JW

All right, all right. I'll get rid of them. Remember this for next time. -SH

My nose and gag reflex thank you. -JW

You're welcome, I suppose. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now you are all dreaming up fanfiction involving Mycroft and Harry plotting together against their little siblings.


	11. Imitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock is not amused by John's antics.

[Picture of John with his collar turned up and his cheeks sucked in] Ooh, look at me, I'm Sherlock Holmes, and I'm so brilliant and cool! Gaze upon my superior cheekbones! -JW

Stop that. That's ridiculous. -SH

I think it's quite accurate. -JW

I don't do that! Certainly I at least don't say that. -SH

You don't need to. You practically ooze it. -JW

Is that so? Well, look at me, I'm John Watson, jumpers, tea, I was in the army, I live with Sherlock and try to get him to do ordinary things, I like reminding people that I'm a doctor! -SH  
Shut up, I'm not good at this. -SH

A bit surprising since you're so good at every other form of mockery. -JW

Yes, because most other forms of mockery involve at least thought. Imitation is the lowest form of insult. -SH

But the sincerest form of flattery. -JW

Which is why I didn't take it as an insult the time I actually saw you doing it. -SH

Just having a bit of fun. Anyway, I could have gone on. -JW

Is that so? -SH

Yes, but I'm not going to. -JW

You shouldn't, because it's a tremendously dull form. -SH

I think you secretly think it's funny. -JW

Oh, yes, you can just hear me laughing from there. -SH

You have a very distinctive mental laugh. -JW

It probably sounds like superior intelligence and distinguished taste. -SH

With a hint of arrogance and self-absorbtion. -JW

Oh, shut up. You think I'm cool. -SH

Doesn't mean I don't enjoy making fun of you occasionally. -JW

I don't really mind, I just thought you might enjoy yourself more if I had a stronger reaction. -SH

Sure. -JW

Really! -SH

I suppose I'll believe you for now. :) -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I REALLY wish you could see the picture involved with this one. It involved cosplay.


	12. Injury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John needs the first aid kit.

Did you move the first aid kit? -JW

Probably. Not important, must have deleted it. -SH

Well I need it, so could you maybe undelete it? -JW

You're hurt? -SH

It's just a small cut, but it's bleeding a lot. -JW

What happened? -SH

I just tripped and caught the corner of the table awkwardly, I'm fine. -JW

Try my bedroom under the shirts. -SH

Not there. Sorry about any blood on your shirts. -JW

Never mind. Look in the bathroom. -SH

Already did. You haven't taken it out of the flat, have you? -JW

No, but Mrs. Hudson might have it. -SH

I suppose I'll ask. -JW

You're still bleeding even applying pressure this whole time? -SH

It's slowed down, but yes. -JW

The kitchen. In one of the pots. -SH

You're keeping something in a pot? -JW

The first-aid kit, I'm almost positive. -SH

Why would you put it in a pot? -JW

To get it out of the way at the time. -SH

Well what do you know, there it is. Next time could you maybe put it in a place that I might think of looking? -JW

Didn't think you would need it. Are you all right now? -SH

I should be. Got all bandaged up. -JW

You remembered to clean it first, yes? -SH

I am a doctor, Sherlock. I know how to take care of a wound. -JW

Just confirming. You didn't lose too much blood? -SH

I'm fine, it wasn't a big deal. No need to fret. -JW

All right, good. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, you'll be seeing more of "mother hen Sherlock" in coming chapters.


	13. Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock doesn't notice that John's left the flat. Again.

Have you gone somewhere? I asked for tea. -SH

I told you an hour ago that I got called in. -JW

Oh... Are you quite certain? I don't recall hearing. -SH

For how observant you are, you never seem to notice when I talk to you. -JW

Probably whatever I was thinking about at the time was more interesting. -SH

It's common courtesy. I listen when you tell me things. -JW

That's because I don't talk about anything trivial. -SH

Telling you that I'm going out isn't trivial, it's information that you need to know so you're not sitting in an empty house asking for tea. -JW

Your job during flu season is absolutely trivial. Have you done anything at all today beyond recommending rest and fluids? -SH

That's not the point. The point is that I'm trying to talk to you and give you information and you don't care. It would have saved you trouble to listen to me. -JW

I don't see why you're cross. It was a simple question. -SH

You basically just told me my life isn't important enough to pay attention to. -JW

I did no such thing. Otherwise I would have said, "Your life is not important enough to merit my attention." -SH

You still gave off the impression that you don't care. -JW

Why should it matter what impression I give off? You know the truth of it. -SH

The truth that I shouldn't bother to tell you when I'm going out because you won't notice anyway? -JW

Sure. You know what, forget the tea. -SH

You're too kind, really. -JW

You attach too much significance to things like this. Don't you expect them by now? -SH

Just because I expect it doesn't mean I have to like it. -JW

Your displeasure is noted. Next time I'm thinking about something I'll get a "do not disturb" sign and hang it around my neck so it's obvious to everyone. -SH

Fine then. Next time I go out I'll write it on a sticky note and stick it to your forehead. -JW

Maybe I'll text you anyway just to make you wonder if I noticed. -SH

And maybe I'll ignore it. -JW

Maybe I'll take your ignoring it personally and see how you like it. -SH

Maybe I'll say your texts were "trivial" and see how you like that. -JW

Maybe I'll generalize you thinking one think I do is trivial into you thinking everything I do is trivial and assume I don't mean anything to you. -SH

...Alright, fine, point taken. -JW

It's fine. Enjoy your workday. -SH

Ha. Funny. -JW

I dislike flu season. Your clinic is literally always short-staffed. -SH

Preaching to the choir. -JW

You do waste a lot of time trying to be polite to them, though. -SH

Well, I rather like being employed. -JW

Do you really? Can't imagine why. -SH

Having money is rather useful. -JW

I suppose, but that doesn't do much to make your job more interesting. -SH

I do what I have to do. -JW

You always have, haven't you? -SH

It's part of life. -JW

One of the very few benefits to being a of the Holmes family is not having to worry about being paid for cases. -SH

Rub it in, why don't you? -JW

It benefits you too. -SH

I feel like I should be earning my money instead of instead of mooching off of you. -JW

That much is obvious. You like practicing medicine most of the time anyway, and you like having somewhere to go when I'm bored. -SH

Looks like you've got it all figured out. -JW

Of course I do. Think of who you're talking to. -SH

So you can stop complaining when I go to work when you're bored. -JW

Just because you like it doesn't mean I have to. -SH

Fair enough. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normally John would just go with it, but work just got to him that day.


	14. Drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John discovers that what happens at stag parties doesn't stay at stag parties

If you get any texts from Greg, delete them without reading them. Especially if they're pictures. -JW

Delete these texts? But they're so informative! -SH

Oh god. Look, the stag party got a bit out of hand, and Greg thought it would be hilarious to take pictures of me while drunk. -JW

This serves you right, you know. -SH

For what?! -JW

You always enjoy it when Lestrade has embarrassing photos of me. About time the tables were turned, don't you think? -SH

To be fair, it's not very often that you embarrass yourself. -JW

You have a photo of me in a shock blanket, in a scrapbook. A scrapbook, John! -SH

It was part of the case. And it's still not a scrapbook. -JW

Whatever you call it, the fact is that you kept it and relish it to this day. -SH

A picture of you in a shock blanket is far less embarrassing than any picture of me Greg's sent you. -JW

It's not just that one. You also have every video Lestrade has ever taken of me drugged, incarcerated, or otherwise compromised. -SH

I don't show them to anyone. -JW  
Besides, that's all of, what, two times since I've met you? -JW

Nor will I with these. So let me enjoy this while I can. -SH

You really expect me to believe that you or Greg will ever let me live this down? -JW

It does occur that we should break Lestrade of his habit of filming us. Or me, at least, I rather like being on this end. -SH

Oh no you don't. If he's going to stop filming one of us, he's going to stop filming both of us. -JW

I don't know if we can actually stop him. He used to do it before I met you and called it police evidence. -SH

You could always threaten him with those "mystrade" stories. -JW

But he has all that John and Sherlock material to counter with. -SH

Damnit. You've known him longer than I have; you don't have anything on him? -JW

His wife cheated on him and kicked him out and his children's opinions of him are skewed against him as they spend all their time with their mother. -SH

That's going a bit too far. I'm thinking more lighthearted things. -JW

Not good? I don't know, his hair is gray? -SH

A bit not good, yeah. Anyone can see that his hair is gray; I'm talking about moments of mild embarrassment that only you and him know about. -JW

You mean every time he tries to solve a case? -SH

I'm not sure if he even finds that embarrassing by now since it happens so often. -JW

Next time one of his theories is particularly embarrassing, you should write it down. Or publish it, better yet! -SH

I think you're the only one who finds his theories to be particularly embarrassing. -JW

Then I suppose you'll have to record him intoxicated on your next...public drinking occasion. -SH

Maybe you should come along next time. -JW

I don't do that sort of thing. -SH

And that could throw him off enough that he'll get drunk enough to do something embarrassing. -JW

I think you're better suited for that than I. Just challenge him to a drinking contest, he won't refuse. -SH

You don't want to be there to collect blackmail material? -JW

Not if it means having to spend a whole night pretending to be interested in sports. If you get the evidence we can enjoy it together later. -SH

Sports isn't all we talk about. I don't particularly care for them either. -JW

Even if it weren't sports, it's a lot of loud, banal conversation. And alcohol isn't really my preferred substance. -SH

Alright, alright, point taken. Still, it's going to be pretty hard to collect blackmail material if I'm as drunk as he is. -JW

Trick him. It's easy. -SH

Not everyone is quite as good at being clever as you. -JW

If only. Just do shots at the same time and spill yours. He'll never expect it from you. -SH

Alright, fine. I'm not going drinking any time soon though. -JW

Too embarrassed? -SH

Too hungover. -JW

You all right? Need medicine? -SH

I'll be fine. Took a painkiller earlier. It should kick in soon enough for me to move about soon. -JW

Good. I'm going to call Lestrade a few times. Hopefully he's as hung over as you are. -SH

If he was aware enough to take pictures of me, then he wasn't nearly drunk enough. -JW

He is surprisingly resilient. Maybe there's a case, either way. -SH

Right, you check that then. I'm going to stew in my own humiliation for a while and then pick up dinner. Curry tonight? -JW

It's all right. You'll look back on it fondly in approximately 62 days. Curry sounds good. -SH

Why 62? -JW

It's an average of how long someone of your age, gender, and social class should normally take to go from embarrassment to fond memory for this type of situation. -SH

Of course it is. It's different for different age groups? -JW

Of course. In your university days, you'd be laughing about this within 48 hours. -SH

Alright, fair. I'm probably going to regret asking this, but what was I doing in the pictures Greg sent you? -JW

You really don't want to know. -SH

God, it's that bad? -JW

You found a long wool coat... -SH

...Please don't tell me I started trying to deduce people. -JW

Worse. -SH

Alright, lay it on me. -JW

You got very sentimental. There's a video of you singing a quite romantic song to the coat. -SH

...Excuse me while I shoot myself in the head. -JW

You were drunk. I'm not taking it personally, and neither should you. -SH

I'm too hungover to see the funny side to this. -JW

Give it 62 days or so. -SH

I think this one's going to take a bit longer than 62 days. Especially if the video ends up on the internet. -JW

Lestrade wouldn't do that. -SH

He wasn't the only one at the party. -JW

Who are you concerned about? -SH

Mike, for one. And there were a few others who read my blog and know about the stories. -JW

I'll talk to them. -SH

If you can get to them fast enough. -JW

I haven't got much else to do. -SH

Things like that have a tendency of ending up on the internet very quickly. -JW

It's simple enough to get it taken down before too much damage is done. -SH

There's no such thing as "too much damage" with our fans. -JW

We might be able to prevent people we actually know from seeing it, though. -SH

You mean besides everyone at the party? God, I hope Harry doesn't see it. -JW

As if she's never done anything embarrassing. -SH

She has no shame, anything she does while drunk will probably be posted by herself. -JW

You may be in luck. Nobody seems to have put it anywhere public yet. -SH

"Yet" being the key word there. -JW

I'm going through and removing files from phones. -SH

Whose phones? How did you find them so quickly? -JW

Tapping into Mycroft's resources. Several members of Scotland Yard have it from varying angles. -SH

It's going to be absolute hell next time I go down there. It's bad enough that they have a betting pool for us. -JW

There's not much either of of us can do about that. They're wrong about everything else anyway. -SH

A small comfort. -JW

It'll only last until someone else does something they find amusing. Does that help? -SH

Yes, actually. It means one of your insults will probably take my place soon. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, this is not talking of John's stag party, it's one of his buddy's.


	15. Jam Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and drugs do not mix.

Did you put something in the jam? -JW

That depends. -SH

How does it depend? Either you did or you didn't. -JW

Have you eaten any recently? Are you experiencing any side effects and if so can you go ahead and describe them to me? -SH

God damnit Sherlock, you said you wouldn't experiment on my things! -JW

Food is considered shared property. Now about those side effects... -SH

I'm the only one in this flat who eats the jam and you know it! -JW  
Increased temperature and blurry vision. -JW

And irritability, it seems. Now do me a favor. I need you to take a knife, stand in the kitchen, and try to hit the target I've taped to the wall in the sitting room. -SH

I don't know what kind of circus performer you think I am, but I've never thrown a knife in my life. I'm more likely to hurt myself than hit anything. -JW

The alleged killer hadn't either. But he was a proven marksman. A man's innocence depends on it, John. -SH

Next time you need to drug someone to find a killer, you can use yourself. -JW

You have better aim than I do, and technically I'm on a case. -SH

You could have just asked me if I would help you with this instead of sneaking drugs into my food you know. I probably would have said yes. -JW

You weren't technically supposed to know about the drug. -SH

I suppose it affects the result somehow. -JW

You might try to compensate for your lowered capacity, yes. -SH

Compensate how? -JW

Taking longer to aim than you would normally, or intentionally veering to one side, or something like that. Have you done it yet? -SH

Yes, yes. Actually managed to hit the target, surprisingly. -JW

Hmm. Interesting. Nice work. You can take something for the temperature and rest now if you like. -SH

If you ever pull this on me again without asking me I'm pouring your experiments down the sink. -JW

But John! -SH

I'm dead serious. You said you wouldn't mess with my things and you broke that promise. Don't even try to deny that the jam is mine, because you don't eat jam. -JW

I had to. For a case! The defense lawyers for the murderer are claiming that no man could throw a knife with that accuracy on those drugs. Meanwhile the man he framed is behind bars. -SH

Don't try to guilt me out of being angry, I'm sure it was only one of your options for solving it. You still broke your promise. -JW

Perhaps...but I needed to know if it was worth further investigation. You'll be fine in about two hours, and you don't have anything else to do. -SH

Oh, only two more hours of feeling like crap? Yeah, not so bad at all. -JW

There's some non-drugged jam behind the blood. I bought it for you. I went to a shop. -SH

While I appreciate the effort it must have taken you, that doesn't change what I'm going to do if you drug me again. -JW

But sometimes it's so confusing knowing what's acceptable. I'm so misunderstood, and so on, ect. -SH

Keep that up and I may dump them now. -JW

No? That gambit usually works on you if all else fails. I'm out of tactics. -SH

I'm not a complete sap you know. -JW

No, thank goodness. I don't think I'd have the patience to be friends with someone who was. -SH

Is one of he symptoms of the drug severe nausea? -JW

How severe? -SH

"Almost didn't make it to the loo in time" severe. -JW

No. That shouldn't happen. You didn't, by any chance, eat the non-drugged jam? -SH

You mean after the fact? Yeah, I had some. -JW

Neither should make you nauseous. Any other symptoms? -SH

Dizziness. Massive headache. -JW

None of that was me. You're ill. -SH

Oh really? Never would have guessed. -JW

What's your temperature? -SH

37.9. -JW

You should be all right then. -SH

If you say so. -JW

Just treat it how you would normally. I promise I've done nothing to your medicine. -SH

The jam is not going to be nearly enough to make up for this. -JW

I told you, you're ill. Probably a virus. You can't possibly blame me for that. -SH

How do you know it's not an allergic reaction to whatever was in the drug? -JW

Your fever would be higher if that were so. If it spikes in the next few hours, text me and then go to Bart's. -SH

Fine, fine. I'm still angry at you. -JW

Focus on getting well instead. I need you in top form. -SH

Why? So you can drug me again? -JW

You were very serious about being angry, weren't you. -SH

Yes. Very. -JW

What can I do? -SH

You can apologize properly, for one. -JW

I properly apologize for drugging you. -SH

Do you promise not to do it again? -JW

Unless it's really important. -SH

If it's really important you'll tell me beforehand. -JW

Alright...fair enough. -SH

Good. Then apology accepted. -JW

Are you still all right? -SH

Dunno. I'll have to take my temperature again to find out. -JW

Do you need me to do anything? Bring fluids? Nick a prescription pad? -SH

I don't think I could keep anything down except water, but it would be nice to have you here to do my bidding. -JW

If I come back are you still going to be angry? -SH

You've apologized, so at best I'll be grumpy. -JW

Thankfully I have a tolerance for that by now. If you don't need me to get anything then I'll be home shortly. -SH

Nope, don't need anything else. Thank you. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you roleplay under the Johnlock tag on Omegle, you may have seen this prompt. Yes, it is mine, I use it when I can't think of anything else. Feel free to use it all you like! I'm not stingy with my prompts!
> 
> Also, for my fellow Americans reading this, John's mentioned temperature is 37.9 degrees Celsius, which is approximately 100.2 degrees Fahrenheit, so relatively low grade fever so far.


	16. Jam Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John feels more icky than Sherlock thought.

Have you recovered yet? -SH

i feel bloody awful i don't even want to move -jw

I'll take that as a "no" then. -SH

i think my temp went up again -jw

It's been four hours since your last dose of medicine. Take some more. -SH

i just tried to take some it came back up again -jw

That's...not ideal. -SH

thank you for that vital piece of info what would i do without you -jw

You're supposed to be the expert with this sort of thing! I only know about diseases if they're interesting. -SH

i can barely think to reply to you i cant diagnose myself -jw

The medication you took wasn't working very well, yes? So we'll need a different formula. An injection or IV drip since you can't take anything orally. -SH

can't do it myself will prolly need tocall someone in -jw

If I knew what to get for you, I could administer it. You'd need to write out the prescription, though. -SH

i dont even know what i need you need to ask someone else -jw

You're in worse condition than I thought. -SH

i cant even get off the sofa yeah im in a bit ofa state -jw

Do you need the hospital? I could call Mike if you don't want to go, he's at least basically competent. -SH

it might be best yah -jw

Right...do you think you could manage a cab or shall I call an ambulance? -SH

ambulance would be nice want to move as little as possible -jw

Right. I'll call for you. Shouldn't be long. Meet you there. -SH

kay dont be mean to the a&e people -jw

No promises. -SH

if youre mean to them im going to be angry with you -jw

If they can't work under pressure then they have no business treating you. -SH

im going to be fine you know you dont have to worry -jw

Don't be stupid. -SH

you act mean when youre worried its ok -jw

You're delirious. -SH

you kno im right -jw

I am reasonably concerned for your wellbeing. -SH

that means worried in sherlock language -jw

Shut up. -SH

youre just mad that i figured you out -jw

You can't even figure out what's wrong with you. -SH

i never know whats wrong with me you always figure it out first -jw

Viral Gastroenteritis. But that's only a probable guess. It could just as easily be more serious. -SH

joy i suppose i should be drinking more water that i cant keep down -jw

The dehydration is probably what's causing your confusion, yes. Also keeping your fever up. Assuming I'm right. No way to know without lab tests. Are you on your way to the hospital yet? -SH

getting loaded into the ambulance now dont worry -jw

I didn't say I was worried. -SH

i kno you dont have to -jw

Yes I do. You're very ill. -SH

ill get better ill be fine -jw

How do you know that? -SH

i always do cause who would take care of you -jw

That's hardly a logical sequence of thoughts. -SH

its very logical you get in trouble without me -jw

Not all the time! -SH

lots of the time youre like a trouble magnet -jw

Either way, I'm afraid it has no relation to whether you recover... -SH

stop being so pessimistic ill be fine -jw

Is that finally a medical opinion or are you being stupidly optimistic? -SH

its not stupid it helps -jw

Facts help. Planning and anticipation helps. -SH

hope helps too -jw

Not unless it's grounded in fact. -SH

and the fact is im not leaving you silly sherlock -jw

The nurse I'm speaking with thinks I'm being overly paranoid. -SH

you are be nice to her -jw

...it may possibly be too late for that. -SH

youre gonna be in trouble when i see you again -jw

I can't imagine you'll be able to do much about it. -SH

youll face my wrath and you wont like it -jw

I suppose you'll need to recover enough to yell, then, won't you? -SH

what makes you think i wont -jw

Logically I do actually know you're unlikely to die from this. -SH

see im fine now stop fussing -jw

Right. You're right, I'm not being rational. -SH

its okay i wouldnt be rational if you felt this bad -jw

But you would know what to do. -SH

what you do is be nice to the nurses and let them do their job -jw

Three of them on this floor alone have neglected patients sometime to make inappropriate use of the on-call room. -SH

not the point be good or ill tell mycroft -jw

You wouldn't. -SH

would -jw

He already knows I'm rude to people. -SH

hell get on your case for being an arse just cause youre worried though -jw

Don't tell him I'm worried, please. He'll be even more insufferable. -SH

be good and i wont have to talk to him -jw

Okay, okay. I'll concede this argument because you're ill. -SH

and cause you dont like mycroft -jw

Possibly, but nobody does. -SH

thats cause hes a prick -jw

Thank goodness. This proves you haven't suffered any brain damage from the fever. -SH

he ratted you out to moriarty he doesn't deserve to have a brother -jw

About that...we can discuss it later. He's still a prat. -SH

i know and youshoukld

John? I should what? -SH

I'm sorry, this is Dianne Barstow, I'm one of the nurses. The patient has been given a sedative to help with the fever. Are you his partner? 

What room is he in? -SH

Room 312. He said to tell you not to worry before he fell asleep. 

Are you running the correct range of tests? What's his prognosis? -SH

Sir, I can assure you that we are doing everything we can for your partner. So far it's looking like Viral Gastroenteritis, but we're running tests to double-check now. 

Get it right. I'm a detective. I'll know if somebody messes up and I won't be idle about it. -SH

I can assure you that our staff is more than competent at what they do. He's in good hands. 

I've been borrowing from the mortuary of this hospital for years. Going by some of the corpses I've seen, I would dispute that claim. Get. It. Right. -SH

Sir, just give us a chance to do our job. I can understand that you're worried, but we've handled worse. 

Just go back to work. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'VE BEEN WAITING TO POST THIS CHAPTER SINCE I STARTED POSTING THESE.
> 
> I'm going to apologize right now for my horrific grammar on my end. I was trying to be in character and it took a lot of effort not to type everything properly.


	17. Jam Pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock is a fussy-budget over John's health and vise versa.

They kicked me out. -SH

That's what you get for harassing the staff. -JW

It's not my fault. Someone was about to make a misdiagnosis. -SH

Sherlock, sometimes you just have to let people do their job. -JW

That's what they said in the labs too. -SH

You don't need to spend all of your time at the hospital anyway. -JW

I can get back in. Just have to wait until the security guard's shift ends. -SH

Sherlock, go home and eat something. -JW

Not hungry. Also not finished isolating your virus. -SH

I'm fine, Sherlock, I feel much better. You, however, haven't eaten in at least a week. -JW

Not so. It can't have been more than four days. -SH

Had you eaten anything when I got hospitalized? -JW

Possibly. -SH

Don't be vague. Yes or no. -JW

No. I was starting work on that cold case. -SH

And I know you haven't eaten anything since I got here. That was two days ago. Eat something. -JW

You don't know that for a fact. You were asleep for about half the time. -SH

I asked a nurse. -JW

That traitor. -SH

She's not obligated to keep secrets for you. -JW

She's not obligated to tell them either. -SH

Either way, you need to eat. -JW

There's nothing in. -SH

So stop by a takeout place. I'll go shopping when I'm allowed to leave. -JW

I'll just wait until you're back. -SH

Neither of us know when that will be. -JW

If they would let me back into the laboratory, it would be much faster. -SH

I just need some rest. I will tell Lestrade to force feed you if necessary. -JW

He couldn't. Could he? -SH

He could, and he will if you don't stop somewhere and get something to eat. I don't even care if it's only chips, you have to get something. -JW

All right, all right. Don't involve Lestrade. I'm going. -SH

Thank you. Don't want you wearing yourself down. -JW

Impossible. -SH

I'd rather not test that, thank you. -JW

You don't have to. I've tested it myself quite thoroughly. -SH

You could have tested it forever and I would still worry. -JW

I'm not going to starve to death, John. Far too boring of a way to go. -SH

All the same... -JW

You can worry about me another time, you have other things to do. -SH

Like sit on my arse until my insides decide to play nice? So strenuous. -JW

You're bored! -SH

A mite, yes. Nothing interesting on the telly, and the nurses are all too busy to talk to. -JW

If you could somehow speak to the security guard and, I don't know, convince him not to throw me out every time I approach the premises... -SH

Forget it, you've barely left the hospital since I checked in. You need a break from it. -JW

But I could bring you a book. Or your laptop. And then I could go back to the labs. -SH

Or you could go home and I could have someone else bring something. -JW

Have you been speaking to Molly? -SH

Don't you go bothering her. -JW

But she won't let me sneak in through the morgue. I even tried flirting with her and she still said no. Were you responsible for that? -SH

No, but it's about time she became immune to your flirting. -JW

Quite the opposite. Nowadays I normally don't even have to go that far. -SH

Either way, stop bothering her. -JW

I suppose it wouldn't work anyway. -SH

No, so go home and stop fussing. -JW

Fussing! I do not fuss. -SH

You've been fussing for the last two days. -JW

You're wrong. I've just been taking a personal interest in this case. -SH

Say it how you like, you've been fussing. It's actually a bit refreshing. -JW

Refreshing? -SH

To see you so concerned when you're usually so apathetic. -JW

I'm not. -SH

Yes you are, you're making a big deal when a big deal doesn't need to be made. -JW

You're wrong. -SH

So you're saying you've been holed up in the lab trying to isolate my sickness out of concern for the rest of the hospital then? -JW

I don't know what else I'm going to do. -SH

For now, eat. Then talk to Lestrade, I'm sure he has something for you by now. -JW

I suppose if I can't go back, I might as well distract myself somehow. -SH

Good. I'll talk the security guard into letting you back in in a few hours or so. -JW

Then I'll see you in a few hours or so. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we conclude the epic trilogy of jam and pain. We are also catching up to where we are in real life, so prepare for the chapters to start slowing down a bit. I swear, the more we do this the more they act like a married couple.


	18. Kittens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the family of 221B increases. Or rather, will increase.

Does it look like Hypatia is getting bigger to you? -JW

Shouldn't she be? It's been several months since we took her in. -SH

Not that, I mean she looks...rounder. -JW

I suppose she's getting toward the higher weight percentile for cats her age... -SH

Have you let her outside any time in the last few weeks? -JW

I may not have been paying attention. -SH

Well I think she might be pregnant. -JW

Oh...right, pet owners usually take measures to prevent that... -SH

Well I didn't really think we needed to because she's an inside cat. -JW

Another cat might have come in. -SH

We're going to have to start keeping tabs on the door and windows. -JW

What are we going to do about Hypatia? -SH

Find out if she's actually pregnant first. And if she is I suppose we wait until the kittens are born and start looking for people who want one. -JW

We'll have to take her to an expert. I don't want to draw blood from our cat. -SH

Don't worry, I'll take her to the vet later. -JW

See about getting her spayed while you're there. -SH

I can't do that while she's pregnant. -JW

Make an appointment for afterwards, I mean. -SH

Alright, but that could be a while yet. -JW

We should find the other cat and do something about him as well. -SH

Sherlock, even if we had any idea which cat impregnated her, it's not our cat to do things to. -JW

We could figure it out. She must have trailed some of his hair somewhere in the flat. -SH

Leave it be, Sherlock. Like I said, it's not our cat to do things to. -JW

But Hypatia is ours. And it's unlikely that the other cat belongs to belongs to someone. -SH

It's cute that you want to protect our cat's honor, but no. -JW

It's not a matter of honor. She'll suffer form this. She'll be in pain. -SH

She'll be fine, Sherlock. Cats have been having babies since the beginning of the time, I'm sure she can handle it. -JW

That's a woeful exaggeration. Domesticated cats are a very recent development on a geological scale. -SH

All the same, it's a natural process. Her body was designed to go through this. -JW

I still don't like this. -SH

I know. It's hard seeing your little one grow up. -JW

Oh. I see what you're saying. You're right, I am attaching too much emotion to this. -SH

It's not a bad thing, I'm not scolding you for it. -JW

It is. It's only a matter of animals copulating. Natural process, as you said. -SH

But I know she's wriggled her way into your heart, so it's excusable. Hell, we practically raised her. -JW

I didn't even notice it until you pointed it out. -SH

You don't notice things about me either, and I've lived with you longer. -JW

Is that so? Like what? -SH

Like when I went to New Zealand with Sarah for a couple of weeks. -JW

That was ages ago. -SH

You don't notice over half the times I go out. -JW

It's not unusual for you to go out. -SH

You also didn't know Greg's first name and you've known him even longer than you've known me. -JW

I knew his last name. Why bother with the first? -SH

My point is that it's not unusual to feel protective of Hypatia. -JW

I suppose you don't see the issue, no. -SH

And what is the issue then? -JW

Caring about something unnecessarily. -SH

It's never unnecessary to care about things. -JW

Never? Even you couldn't possibly believe that. -SH

Well, alright, maybe not never. But for this sort of thing you're allowed to care. -JW

I'm not asking for your permission. -SH

I know, I know. -JW

I can't seem to stop myself. Evidently people really do get sentimental about their pets. -SH

It's not a bad thing. -JW

It can be. It's disadvantageous. -SH

What, you think someone's going to try to get you through your cat? You forget that most people still haven't seen your "sentimental side". -JW

No, of course not. But still. -SH

Don't worry about it too much. I'm on my way to the vet now. I'll probably stop off at the market on my way home. -JW

Good, I wasn't planning on going out today. -SH

Having a lazy day today? -JW

Quiet. -SH

Someday I'll get to have a lazy day instead. But today is not that day. -JW

If you didn't insist on eating and cleaning and so forth all the time you would have plenty more opportunity. -SH

But then nothing would ever get done. -JW

If that's supposed to be a slight, I should remind you I don't care about boring, conventional activities. -SH

Not a slight, merely a fact. -JW

The important things still get done. -SH

Keeping clean is pretty important. -JW

I'm clean! Personally! -SH

The flat needs to be clean too. -JW

It's sanitary enough to be habitable, and no major experiments get disturbed. Actually, 221B is the cleanest place I've lived since childhood. -SH

Not the point. Anyway, that tells me nothing. -JW

Nothing about what? -SH

About how clean our flat is. For all I know the previous places you lived in could have been absolute hellholes. -JW

I'll leave it to your speculation. -SH

Anyway, it looks like Hypatia's going to be a mum after all. Better start asking around about kittens. -JW

Do we know how many there will be? -SH

Won't know until she has them, but we might be able to make a guess in the last week. -JW

Molly already has two cats. -SH

She's not the only one who likes cats, I'm sure. -JW

Mrs. Hudson? -SH

She might. But it doesn't have to be someone we know personally. We could just ask around. -JW

I suppose you don't have to be particularly intelligent to take care of a kitten. -SH

Hey now, what are you saying about me? -JW

Not a thing. Only that we don't need to be selective in regard to who takes the kittens. -SH

I'm kidding, I know you didn't mean anything. All we have to do is make sure the person will actually care, and that should be easy enough. -JW

Very amusing. I'll leave you to be the judge of such things. -SH

You're the one who can tell a person's life story with a glance. -JW

I can tell if they'll be basically competent, yes. -SH

Good, then you'll help find owners for the kittens. Also, we're going to need to clean up a place for her to actually have the kittens. -JW

The veterinarian's office? -SH

She'll have them just as well at the flat as she will anywhere else. There's no need to pay extra to rush her to a place that will just let things progress naturally. -JW

That won't be for some time yet, though. -SH

A few weeks, yes. But we should get her used to the spot so she actually uses it instead of picking some secluded spot where we can't find her. -JW

We can clear out some space easily enough. -SH

And set down towels, and make sure it's warm. -JW

All right, all right, clearly you want me to do it. -SH

If you think it'll be too taxing on your delicate body, I can do it when I get back. -JW

Oh, shut up, who cares about my body? I don't want to do it because it's boring. -SH

If you get it done now you won't have to think of it later. -JW

Or you could do it instead. -SH

I took her to the vet and am going shopping. You've sat on your bum all day. You can lay down a towel or two. -JW

If I must. -SH

Yes, that would be good, thank you. -JW

In exchange, get a few types of rice when you're out. I want to test something. -SH

How many types, and what sort of thing? -JW

Drying off submerged electronics. Get whichever three types are most visible on the shelf. -SH

And what exactly is submerged? -JW

Good intuition, but no, nothing to be concerned with. Only cheap digital watches for now. -SH

Good. Got your rice, and while I'm at it, feel like having chicken and rice tonight? -JW

Sounds fine. -SH

Alright. And I'm sure Hypatia would appreciate a treat as well. Do we have any tuna left? -JW

No, all out. Get some more. -SH

Will do. You might be able to feel the kittens moving around once we get home. -JW

Really? Do you suppose we could make an exception to the rule about not experimenting on Hypatia? -SH

Depends on what the experiment is. -JW

Haven't decided yet. -SH

Well no permission until I know what sort of experiments exactly. -JW

Reasonable enough. -SH

I did say exactly. -JW

I already said I didn't want to draw blood from her. I don't want to cause her any pain. -SH

Alright, alright, we'll discuss it later. -JW

Fine. Almost done? -SH

Just finishing up now. Be there in about 15 minutes. -JW

Good, I was bored. -SH

Am I going to sound bonkers if I say we're too young to be grandparents? -JW

Yes. She's not our daughter, she's a cat. -SH

We did practically raise her, though. Anyway, only joking. -JW

I do think she's too young to be a mother, though. -SH

She's about to hit her first year. That's adult age for cats. -JW

A very young adult, then. -SH

I do understand what you mean. Still ends up being a teenage mother. -JW

It would be much worse if she were a person. -SH

That's true. But then again, if she really was your daughter I imagine she'd be smart enough to keep out of that situation. -JW

One could hope. -SH

Do you ever think about it? -JW

Reproduction? -SH

Well, raising a kid. I know you're not interested in dating, but do you ever get the urge to pass on your mind to the next generation or something? -JW

Perhaps in the manner of teaching someone or something like that. I wouldn't be a suitable father for any child. -SH

Well you definitely wouldn't be perfect, but I wouldn't say you'd be unsuitable. -JW

I maintain a frequently dangerous living environment, often disappear for days on end, and still need to be reminded to eat regularly. "Unsuitable" is generous. The more accurate word would be "unsafe". -SH

Yes to all of those things, but I know you. If you're really invested in something, you put every effort into it. Anyway, if anything ever went wrong he or she would have Uncle John to sort things out. -JW

It would be a huge step up from his actual uncle. -SH

You flatter me. -JW

What about you? You want a family... -SH

I do, yeah. If I find the right woman then I'll start a family with her, but if not there's always adoption, I suppose. -JW

You stopped looking a while ago, though. -SH

Well, maybe someone will come to me if I wait, but obviously searching frantically isn't working, and I'm pretty content with how life is now anyway. -JW

I don't want you to regret it later. -SH

I'm not going to regret any amount of time spent with you, I promise. -JW

Then I'm content also. As content as I ever get, anyway. -SH

That's what matters. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow, I forgot how long this one was! 
> 
> The idea came because the cat that Hypatia is based off of, my sister's cat, is pregnant. Anyone in the Washington State area want a kitten?=P


	19. Mummy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the boys get a very intimidating visitor.

Sherlock, this older woman is sitting in our sitting room demanding that I make her tea. Do you know who she is? -JW

Did you consider asking her to introduce herself? -SH

I'm making the tea first. She has a very commanding presence. -JW

Describe her to me. Quickly. This could be urgent. -SH

Um, tall, thin, silver curly hair, eyes like yours. Ring any bells? -JW

What do you think?! -SH

...Wait, she's not your mum, is she? -JW

If she asks, tell her that I've been out of town for several days. She'll call you out on the lie. At that point just say you have no reason to lie to her and subtly imply that she's wasting her time. -SH

I don't know, she seems quite stubborn. I bet you get it from her. -JW

In a related matter, I won't be home for several days. -SH

Is it actually for a case, or just for avoidance's sake? -JW

I won't necessarily be doing any detective work... -SH

You realize if you don't come back I'll have to entertain her. -JW

She has no reason to stick around past tea if she doesn't expect me back. Let Mycroft deal with her. -SH

She's doing that thing you always do. It's ten times more creepy coming from her. -JW

Deduction? -SH

It's like she's dissecting me with her eyes. -JW

Yes, Mycroft and I both learned it from her. Now that she's seen you, she knows everything about you. -SH

Brilliant. Well, not anything I'm not used to. -JW

No. Whatever you're used to from me, this is worse. Much worse. -SH

How so? -JW

She knows what you're thinking before you think it. She's as judgmental as my brother and as unwilling to put up with nonsense as me. It's the perfect combination. -SH

And you thought I would be able to pull one over on her? I can't even pull one over on you. -JW

No, you can't deceive her, but if you're persistent enough you might bore her into going away. -SH

She's seen the stories!!! -JW

Run. Flee while you still can. -SH

Too late. She's now questioning my "intentions" toward you. -JW

She knows it's all nonsense. This is a ploy to make you uncomfortable. -SH

Well it's working. -JW

Don't let her win! -SH

I have faced down Chinese mob bosses, had bombs strapped to me and have been to bloody war. This woman is more terrifying than all of those. -JW

You can imagine the Christmas dinners. -SH

And anyway, by hiding from her aren't you letting her win? -JW

I don't follow. She wants to speak with me, I want to forget she exists. Avoiding her is the only way not to let her win. -SH

Yes, but you're admitting you find her intimidating. -JW

Of course I do. Even you find her intimidating. -SH

You owe me for this. -JW

Anything if you can get rid of her. Literally anything. -SH

Alright, I got her to go. You're going to love me for how I did it. -JW

I love you already. -SH  
Platonically, for getting her to leave, I mean. -SH

Of course. Right. -JW

How did you do it? -SH

Let's just say that Mycroft should be getting a visit from her in regards to some of the other stories out there. -JW

Have I ever told you that you're amazing? -SH

It's always nice to hear it. -JW

Really, you're fantastic and you've done brilliantly. Mycroft will be able to convince her to go back home, and I can return to Baker Street safely. -SH

But next time she comes over you're not letting me face her alone. -JW

Hopefully she won't come around again for several more years, and who knows? Any one of us could be dead by then. -SH

Don't joke like that. -JW

No? Not good? -SH

Let's just both try to stay alive as long as possible, shall we? -JW

I wasn't serious. If I had a death wish I could have just gone back to speak with my mother. -SH

Unless you're killed by disapproving looks, I doubt she'll be the cause of your death. -JW

If anyone could do it, she could. -SH

Well I suppose we'll just have to play the avoidance game, then. -JW

She hasn't dropped in unexpectedly like that for years. I had no warning! -SH

Well now unless one of us does something really stupid we should be safe. -JW

It would have to be monumental. She didn't even make an appearance at my staged funeral. -SH

She could have wanted to mourn on her own time. Or I suppose she could have known too. -JW

She knew. -SH

If it was your real funeral she would have shown up. -JW

The point is, faking my death doesn't merit an appearance, but this does? She must have wanted to speak about something other than the fan stories. -SH

Well I suppose you'll just have to ask her yourself, won't you? -JW

And invite her back? Absolutely not. -SH

Then you'll just have to wonder. -JW

I'll find out about whatever it is soon enough, I'm certain. But thank you for handling it. -SH

I have to admit, the thought of how Mycroft's face will look when she talks to him was big motivation. -JW

I occasionally did get to watch them argue without being involved myself. It's a magnificent sight. -SH

They seem so alike that it's hard to imagine them fighting much. -JW

No, it's a rare occasion. He makes a point of being exactly like her whenever possible. -SH

I can see why that would be obnoxious. -JW

Obnoxious is an understatement. You're lucky never to have had the two of them united against you. -SH

God, no. Did that happen to you often? -JW

Very often. -SH

Well now you just have to deal with my occasional disappointment. -JW

Believe me, I am much aware of how much an improvement it is. -SH

Anyway, now that she's gone, feel like having a night in? That show you've been watching lately is on tonight. -JW

I'm only following it because it's instructive. -SH

And you enjoy it. -JW

Perhaps. The fighting. Takeaway? -SH

Sure. You pick. -JW

Chinese then? -SH

You read my mind. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love it when Sherlock's mother gets involved in storylines. Only hilariousness can ensue.


	20. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which even Mummy Holmes ships it.

You owe Lestrade an apology, apparently. -SH

Did he say that? For what? -JW

You set my mother on the trail of this Mycroft and Lestrade concept. -SH

Oh. Right, I suppose that does deserve an apology. -JW

Have you heard from her since she was here? -SH

Nope. Did hear from Mycroft, though. He was none too pleased. -JW

Did he threaten to send you to a secret terrorist detainment unit? -SH

Actually he threatened to have me enlisted again. -JW

Does he know you volunteered the first time? And were discharged involuntarily? -SH

Yeah, but he also knows that I enjoy being in London. Anyway, I doubt he was being serious. -JW

I doubt he's particularly angry. It's interesting, though, that she's been bothering the three of us, but not you. -SH

Maybe she just doesn't think I'm worth her time? -JW

I think she wants to be on your good side. You must have done something that impressed her. -SH

I just sat there. It's not like I did anything special. -JW

Perhaps you're already doing exactly what she wants. -SH

Like what? -JW

Currently, she wants me to attend a family wedding. -SH

What does this have to do with me? -JW

I would be expected to bring a guest. -SH

Isn't that usually reserved for a date? -JW

Yes, I think I understand now. -SH

Please tell me she doesn't think we're dating too. -JW

I could tell you that, but you dislike it when I lie to you. -SH

Oh god, I thought you said she knew there was nothing going on. -JW

It seems she's decided it doesn't matter. She thinks you'll serve the same function as if we were sexually involved. She wants to use you to bring me back into the fold! -SH

We just can't escape it, can we? -JW

My own mother. Granted, it's more that she's seen the facts and chooses to ignore them... -SH

I wonder if Mycroft said anything to her about it. In revenge, I mean. -JW

That does clarify his ineffective threat against you before. -SH

You realize we're going to have to get him back for this. -JW

Our retaliation would have to be appropriately horrible. I wonder if we could start an international incident. -SH

Or we could tell Anthea that he's been cheating on his diet. -JW

Actually, both of those options are equally dangerous. -SH

I do tend to be fond of danger... -JW

What could Mycroft have said to her? I thought she was going to leave us alone. -SH

Who knows? I know he thinks we're in a relationship but he can't possibly have evidence to support it. -JW

He knows the extent of it! -SH

Did I ever tell you that he asked if he should be "expecting a happy announcement" when we first spoke? Although he could have been sarcastic at the time... -JW

That was barely a full day after we'd met. What did he say exactly? It had to have been sarcasm. -SH

Basically what I just said. After commenting on how I was moving in with you the day after I met you. -JW  
God, I guess that does sound suspicious. -JW

He's not that stupid. It was a test, same as the rest of that encounter. -SH

That doesn't mean he couldn't have used it as "evidence" for your mum. -JW

If Mummy thinks we're an item, she has someone to show off at parties and Mycroft gets left alone. It doesn't matter to either of them what we actually do or don't do. -SH

Your family is even more messed up than I thought. -JW

What did you think before? -SH

I don't even know, but it definitely wasn't this ridiculous. -JW

I'm told that parents are normally rather fixated on their children...coupling up. Are they not? -SH

Yes, but most don't want it solely to impress their friends. -JW

Isn't that why every parent does it? -SH

Not really. It's usually because they want to see their kid happy. -JW

Oh. -SH  
I hadn't thought of that. -SH

Like I said, your family's a bit messed up. -JW

John, I'm happy, aren't I? -SH

Shouldn't you be giving me that answer? -JW

You have a keen intuition for this sort of thing. You know...emotions. -SH

But I'm not a mind reader, Sherlock. Some people are good at hiding their feelings. -JW

She does usually show up when I'm doing well by an ordinary person's standard. -SH

I'm sure she feels proud of you. -JW

She'd ignore us otherwise. Maybe we should do something to cause her to abandon this. If she was ashamed instead... -SH

No, Sherlock. Besides, she would probably bother you just to complain about what an embarrassment you were being. -JW

Not so. I told you, when I embarrass the family, she stays away. She shows up when she thinks I'm...happy. -SH

You're going to embarrass me if you try anything. -JW

What should we do, capitulate? -SH

Hardly. But I'm sure you'll think of something that doesn't cause extreme embarrassment. -JW

Is it normally this much trouble trying to manage one's parents? -SH

Your parents just seem special. Or at least your mum does. I've got no idea about your father. -JW

He left. -SH

Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. -JW

I was seven. You rarely talk about your parents. -SH

The subject just doesn't come up. It's not like I'm keeping it from you. -JW

Are they dead, or do you just not get along? -SH

Neither, really. They aren't much fond of Harry, though, and they aren't afraid to talk her down. -JW

You're not much fond of Harry either. -SH

As much as I don't approve of her drinking and her decision to leave Clara, she is my sister. It gets old hearing how much they wish she could have turned out like me and not gone off on her "homosexual tendencies". -JW

It's alright that she's an addict, but not that she's gay? -SH

Her sexuality was the first thing to push them away. The drinking came afterward and that just added to it. -JW

They're idiots, but that just makes you the favorite child. -SH

Parents aren't supposed to have a favorite. -JW

But that doesn't stop them. -SH

Either way, they adore me, and I feel uncomfortable around them. -JW

And obviously they don't live close by. -SH

Scotland, actually. Thankfully neither of them can figure out how to use a computer to save their lives, or they'd be going after me on this Johnlock business. -JW

Do you think it will be a problem? They could hear about it from someone else. -SH

Most of their social circle is like them, so if they do find out it won't be any time soon. -JW

Although their reaction might be preferable to my mother's. I've texted Mycroft, do you want to know what he said to her? -SH

Should I brace myself? -JW

He said that you've been a good influence and that I'm "more stable". Stable, John! -SH

That's better than other things he could have said. -JW

My mother took it to mean that you're joining the family permanently. Possibly regardless of your intentions. -SH

...You don't mean marriage, do you? -JW

Not in any formal sense, at least. Even Mycroft isn't powerful enough to make two English citizens get married without their permission. -SH

...Right, definitely telling Anthea he's been cheating on his diet. -JW

At least they like you. You wouldn't want to know what would happen if they didn't. -SH

I suppose I'd "disappear"? -JW

Not before suffering some form of ironic punishment. -SH

What exactly do they expect me to do as a "more permanent part of the family"? -JW

Convince me to go to weddings held by distant relatives, evidently. -SH

We could always say you're going to go and then say a case came up the day before or something. -JW

Then they'll expect us at the next one. -SH

Just how often do people in your family get married? -JW

That's not important. -SH

If it's really that unavoidable then maybe you should just get it over with. -JW

Oh no...you're trying to convince me! -SH

If you have a better idea... -JW

Yes. Stay home, barricade the flat if necessary. -SH

Somehow I don't think that's going to stop your mother. -JW

We'll go down fighting at least. -SH

We? -JW

You think she would insist on my going to a social function by myself? I'd make deductions about the entire guest list. -SH

Bringing me as your "date" is only going to encourage her. -JW

She's already made up her mind. There's not going to be any discouraging her. -SH

You could bring Molly instead. -JW

You don't want to go any more than I do, clearly. -SH

You always drag me into situations you don't want to be in because you know I'll eventually give in. -JW

Not always. Only when I think you might help me get out of it. If I did go without you it would annoy my mother, though. -SH

If you really want me to go, I will. -JW

I don't want either of us to go. but Mummy and Mycroft know me too well. Anything I think of to get out of it, they'll have already thought of. -SH

Such is our life. -JW

Perhaps we could arrange a bomb threat and the whole thing could be canceled? -SH

No, my brother would see through it immediately. -SH

That, and I don't fancy becoming a terrorist, thank you very much. -JW

I suppose criminal activity in general is not a possibility. -SH

Pretty much, yeah. -JW

We could break up the couple. -SH

No. Absolutely not. -JW

No? I'm sure they'd both get over it sooner or later. -SH

Marriage is a big deal, Sherlock. You leave them alone. -JW

It's very idealistic of you to think so. It doesn't stop people from lying, cheating, or leaving one or another. Half the time it does more damage to a relationship than good. -SH

You're using your cases as an example. Not exactly a varied sample space. -JW

Even so, the spouse is always the first suspect in a murder case. -SH

That doesn't mean we shouldn't try to preserve marriage. -JW

You mean "prevent". I'm only saying it's not some sacred ideal that deserves any particular respect. We can find some other way to avoid going, though. -SH

Well, if you think of anything, let me know. -JW

Oh, I will. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's been too long since I posted one of these. I wanted to get past a certain point, but I feel bad about holding back on y'all.


	21. Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock takes his turn to be sick.

Why is it so bloody hot in the flat? -JW

Because I turned the heat up. -SH

Why? It's warm enough outside as it is. -JW

Is it? I haven't been out for a few days. -SH

You're not even in the flat right now! -JW

I left before sunrise. I don't know how the outside temperature is during the day. Also, if the control on the heat is broken, it wasn't my fault. -SH

Is that a fact? Just how high did you put it, anyway? I'm dying in here. -JW

I thought i was rather chilly myself. Interesting... -SH

How could you possibly think this was chilly? You don't have a fever, do you? -JW

Don't know. Too busy to check. Exciting new poison. -SH

Check. If you have the heat up this high and can't feel it, something's wrong. -JW

But the poison, John. Virtually undetectable postmortem. -SH

Check. Now. -JW

All right, I checked. -SH

And the result? -JW

39.4, but I'm fine, really. -SH

Jesus, Sherlock! Do you know how dangerous that is?? Come home right now! -JW

It can go a bit higher before I put myself in any particular risk. Most likely it's just allergies. -SH

No. You are not ignoring a fever that high. I don't even know how you're walking right. Come. Home. -JW

I'm busy. Far too busy to have you fuss over me. -SH

This is more important than your goddamn poison! -JW

You're just going to have me sleep and drink water. I can do that when I'm done with this. -SH

You'll pass out before that! -JW

Stop overreacting. I don't even feel dizzy. -SH

You say that, but that doesn't mean you won't later. -JW

I can beat this easily, John. It's mind over matter. -SH

No it bloody well isn't! Not every problem can be solved by thinking it away! -JW

But I'm a consulting detective. And...interesting poison. -SH

If you don't come home, I'll check you into Bart's and have someone drag you to your room. -JW

No, don't. I don't want to wear one of those smock things. I lied before, I'm actually perfect. -SH

You can't say anything right now to convince me you're fine. It's either home or Bart's. -JW

Nothing at all? Even if I named all the major subspecies of bees? -SH

What the hell does that have to do with anything? -JW

Because it would prove...something. I knew a minute ago. -SH

God, the fever's affecting your brain. You come home now, we have to get your fever down. -JW

But I need my brain. For solving. -SH

Which is why you need to come back to the flat so we can fix it. -JW

I'll come back. My legs don't want to move, though. Probably they're hiding something. -SH

Where are you? I'll come get you, don't move. -JW

Tube station near hospital. Molly said to go home too. Conspiracy. -SH

Molly's a doctor too. She knows what she's talking about. Just sit down and don't move until I get there. -JW

It's cold, John. I can't find my coat. -SH

Of course you think it's cold you bloody idiot. We'll find your coat later on. -JW

I need my coat. It makes me look dashing instead of shaky. -SH

You can be dashing when your brain's not being fried from fever. -JW

Fried brain. Inventive. You would still need to get rid of the rest of it, though. -SH

I'm definitely showing you these texts when you're back to normal. -JW

Back to normal? Not possible. "Back" is for returning. Normal Sherlock. Don't like it. -SH

Normal for you, silly git. -JW

Dashing and genius instead of shaking and having a headache. Tube tracks in need of repair. Very loud, concealing activity in the tunnels? -SH

Just try to relax, I'll be there soon. -JW

I missed the train. I'm supposed to be going somewhere? -SH

No, you're supposed to be sitting and waiting for me to get there. -JW

I don't like sitting. It's boring and there's nothing to do and it makes my head hurt. -SH

If you try to stand you will most likely lose your balance and hit your head. -JW

Excellent specific. -SH  
That was wrong. I meant excellent deduction. -SH

You stay seated. Have you had anything to drink today that isn't coffee? -JW

When is today? Midnight last night? Or is that yesterday? Arbitrary designation too imprecise. -SH

Yes, since yesterday, if you even know. -JW

Right again. Didn't know. Still don't. I can't get on the train. -SH

Don't try to get on the train, Sherlock. Stay where you are. -JW

But it keeps going. And then it comes back. But it's not the same train. What if I already missed the important one? -SH

You didn't, I promise. The important train will come when I get there. -JW

It's important because you're on it. It's the most important one there is. -SH

You're not going to miss it because I'll be getting off it to find you, and then you and me are taking a cab home. -JW

Home sounds good. I could close my eyes. But just for five minutes. -SH

Not in the station. Wait until we get back to the flat. -JW

It's too busy to rest. I need to observe them and learn. New phenomenon, don't recall tube station spinning. On purpose? -SH

Stay calm, the tube's pulling into the station now. I'll fix things, I promise. -JW

You often do. I can see you, hello John! -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so, sorry about the cliffhanger. There isn't exactly a way to show John taking care of Sherlock through texts. The next chapter should clarify things a bit, but if you aren't satisfied, feel free to leave a comment with your inquiries as we're working on a RP of the events following John's arrival at the tube station.
> 
> Also, for the Americans, 39.4 Celsius is equal to 102.9 Fahrenheit.


	22. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which for once John is proud of Sherlock for making someone cry.

Did you make Lestrade's ex-wife leave Scotland Yard in tears? -JW

I didn't MAKE anyone do anything. -SH

That doesn't answer my question. -JW

I think it does, actually. -SH

Sherlock, did she leave crying because of something you said or not? -JW

She shouldn't have been there. -SH

I'm not angry with you, I'm on your side this time. -JW

You are? -SH

Lestrade told me about what she did while she was there. Whatever you said about her, she deserved it. -JW

I needed Lestrade to focus on the case. -SH

Are you sure it had nothing whatsoever to do with the things she was saying about him? -JW

It had everything to do with that. If I had let her go on, he would have been useless for days. -SH

You're allowed to admit you didn't like her hurting him, you know. -JW

He was...sad. -SH

Not surprising with the things she was saying about him. And in front of the whole Yard too. -JW

There's one thing I don't understand. She hasn't got clearance to be lurking around Scotland Yard. Why didn't Lestrade simply have her thrown out? -SH

Words can have the effect of breaking you down. -JW

But they're divorced. He hates her as much as she hates him. Why does it still effect him what she thinks? -SH

They were married for years. I doubt he hates her completely, regardless of how much of a bitch she is. -JW

Sentiment? -SH

Pretty much, yeah. -JW

It was never a good match. I told him from the first time I met her, but Lestrade didn't listen to me. -SH

Love can blind you to even the best advice. -JW

It's bound to happen when one makes significant decisions based on emotion rather than logic. -SH

Sometimes it works out, it just didn't for Lestrade. -JW

What's the determining factor, then? In nearly all other matters, Lestrade approaches basic competence as a judge of character. -SH

I can't say what it is for him, it's different for different people. -JW

Do you suppose Lestrade would be happier if he married again? -SH

He might. I suppose it depends on if she meets anyone. -JW

He'd do fewer cases, though. -SH

That doesn't mean you can go sabotaging any of his future relationships. -JW

You don't know for a fact that's what I was thinking! -SH

That was exactly what you were thinking. -JW

Shut up. He's likely not going to meet anyone suitable anyway, at his age. -SH

He's not that much older than us. -JW

No, but don't despair. There are always exceptions. -SH

I think you'd be the only one "despairing" if he remarried. -JW

If you believe everything you read, my brother might be quite upset. -SH

Why would your brother be upset? -JW

It's a joke. The fan stories? -SH

Oh yeah. I think you would be a bit upset if I did that too. -JW

What do you mean, married? -SH

No, believed the stories. -JW

Well, as you're in a large number of them, it wouldn't make much sense. -SH

True. There are ones that have you secretly pining for me, though. -JW

Oh yes. You've caught me, I admit it. You complete me, John Watson. I don't know what I would do without you. -SH

I knew it all along. Clearly we must express our love through vigorous shagging on all surfaces. -JW

And after that, we can gaze deeply into one another's eyes, or...whatever it is people do. -SH

Bare our souls to one another, solve a crime or two, make tea, the usual. -JW

Speaking of crime, it was the sister. The police didn't notice her new tights. -SH

Oh, well how could they possibly miss that? -JW

They're idiots. They were already interviewing her, though, so no need to track her down. -SH

That's convenient. If only all cases when that smoothly. -JW

We would both be terribly bored. -SH

Probably, but sometimes it's nice to get a break. -JW

I've just had a solid week of enforced break time, thank you. -SH

It was either that or have you become irreversibly sick. You're welcome. -JW

Oh please. At the very worst, it might have developed into pneumonia. Not irreversible. -SH

Knowing you, you would have kept going until your fever got too high and ended up damaging something. -JW

That is a conjecture based on hypothetical. -SH

So is the idea that you would turn out fine. -JW

But I was right in the end. -SH

No, you won't know whether you were right or not, because I didn't let you keep going. -JW

And I've known for ages that you'll always stop me from doing myself too much harm. So I was right. -SH

Git. -JW

Speaking of gits, have you heard from my brother? -SH

Not recently, no. -JW

Do me a favor. Call him and tell him that I'm all right and that he can stop bothering me. -SH

It figures you would be irritated at him for being worried about you. -JW

He doesn't worry the way an ordinary person worries. And he's drawn some very incorrect conclusions as to what the problem was. -SH

What does he think the problem is? -JW

He saw footage of me shaky, disoriented, and half-collapsed in a tube station without my coat. He thinks I'm using again and you haven't said anything about it out of loyalty. -SH

Oh believe me, if you had been using again I would have said something. -JW

I know that! It's ridiculous that he doesn't. -SH

Again, he's worried about you. -JW

He's insufferable. -SH

At least he cares. -JW

Just talk to him for me. -SH

Alright, I will. -JW

Thank you. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, big news, the two of us have started a RP blog on Tumblr! It's connected somewhat to what happens in this story, so if you have an account and would like to follow us, you can find us here: http//:consulting-flatmates.tumblr.com/ We're still in the "fever" arc there, so go ahead and ask Sherlock questions about how he's feeling.


	23. Birth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock becomes a temporary veterinarian.

John, I need your help. -SH  
Urgently. -SH

Are you hurt? -JW

No, I'm fine. It's the cat. -SH

What's wrong with her? -JW

She's howling, and she won't move. I think he's about to give birth. -SH

Oh. It figures it would happen while I was at work. Is she in the box we set up? -JW

Yes. She's been there all day. -SH

Alright, good. I can't get away from work, so you're going to have to handle it yourself. -JW

But John! -SH

It's not difficult, Sherlock. I would be there if I could, but you can handle it. -JW

Right...of course. I'm Sherlock Holmes. Of course I can. -SH

It should progress naturally. Actually, you might be fascinated by the process. -JW

I am. But she's in pain, John. She must be. I'm fascinated, but... -SH

It's okay, Sherlock. It should be over relatively quickly, depending on how many kittens there are. -JW

But I don't know what to do. None of the websites say anything helpful. -SH

Just keep an eye on her and make sure nothing goes wrong. -JW

I really can't do anything to assist? -SH

From what I was told, it's best to just let everything happen unless a kitten gets stuck or something like that. -JW

One of them is coming out now. -SH

Alright, keep an eye on it and make sure she doesn't need anything. -JW

How will I know if she needs anything?! -SH

If it seems like she's struggling or that things are moving too slow then she might need some help getting the kitten out. -JW

It's out. She's cleaning it. -SH

Alright, the placenta should follow. -JW

Can I use it? -SH

Do I want to know what you want to use it for? -JW

Analysis. -SH

I think that mother cats usually eat those, but I suppose you could use one. -JW

Why on earth would she need to eat it? -SH

Protein to help the nursing process? -JW

Do we not provide her with enough protein? -SH

Like I said, I'm sure you could get away with using one. -JW

She won't let me near. I suppose it is hers... -SH

Give her time to bond to it. Vet said not to try to pick them up for the first few weeks. -JW

We're giving them away, aren't we? It's not good if she forms a bond. -SH

She has to form a bond to take care of them. -JW

Do you think she'll be upset later? -SH

She'll probably be a bit lonely, but I doubt she'll be scarred for life. -JW

It seems...not good. They're already so close. -SH

I know, but people have been doing this for a long time. -JW

You're right. I'm being impractical. Forget I mentioned it. -SH

It's fine, Sherlock. It's understandable to be worried about it. -JW

They're only cats. -SH

Yes, but that doesn't make them any less part of the family. -JW

There's another kitten. A female this time. -SH

I'm surprised you can tell. Or are you deducing it? -JW

Deducing is the same thing as being able to tell. -SH

Right, right. Is their colouring much different from Hypatia's? -JW

They look quite alike, unfortunately. Won't be able to deduce who the other parent is without closer inspection. -SH

You don't need to deduce the other parent, Sherlock. -JW

Of course I do. I can't forcibly castrate every male cat in London. -SH

You're not castrating any cats. -JW

It wouldn't hurt. Probably. -SH

You do not need to get revenge for our cat. -JW

It's not revenge. It's pragmatism. -SH

How exactly is it pragmatism? -JW

The most accurate predictor of what someone will do is what they've already done. The same applies to animals. -SH

You cannot control what animals that don't belong to you do. -JW

I can so. -SH

Suppose he belongs to someone? -JW

Likely not. -SH

Leave it be. Going after him isn't going to change what happened. -JW

I still want to know. -SH

If I come home to find bits of cat all over the kitchen table... -JW

So you won't mind as long as I clean it up? -SH

I just don't want to know at all. -JW

I'll keep that in mind. -SH

Any more kittens? -JW

I'm not certain. She's lying down, but it's taking some time. Do you think she's alright? -SH

Does she seem under stress? -JW

She's howling again. -SH

That may or may not be concerning, but keep your eye on her. -JW

John, it's stuck. There's a stuck kitten, John. -SH

Alright, stay calm. Can you see it? -JW

I am calm!! -SH

Sherlock, can you see it? -JW

Yes. Just a bit of it. -SH

Is it the head or the legs? -JW

The head. That's good, yes? -SH

Yes, that's good. It might just be the shoulders in the way. You're going to have to carefully pull on the kitten, and try to wait until she's bearing down. -JW

I'm to simply...pull it out? -SH

Help it out. Very gently. And only until she can do the rest of the job. -JW

I've done it. -SH

Good. Does it seem fine? -JW

I think so, yes. Is this what it's like for you all the time? -SH

A little bit, I suppose. -JW

It's brilliant. Almost as good as solving a case. -SH

Has this moment awakened your long-hidden dream to be a veterinarian? -JW

Perhaps on the side. Consulting veterinarian? -SH

People will come far and wide with their pets. -JW

And likely be insulted for being informed of their appalling neglect or thoughtlessness. -SH

I can just see you chewing someone out because their dog has fleas. -JW

I suppose veterinarians have their share of boring cases as well. -SH

Everyone does. -JW

Will you be back soon? I think it's done with. -SH

I'll see if I can get away a little early. -JW

I really can't touch them? -SH

You can probably pet them, just don't try to pick them up. -JW

They're very small. -SH

Newborn kittens usually are. -JW

It's striking. -SH

Pretty incredible, yeah? -JW

Fascinating. -SH

We won't be able to give them away until they're 6 weeks old, so you'll have plenty of time to observe them grow. -JW

Do you suppose we should name them? -SH

You can if you want, but whoever they end up going to might want to name them something different. -JW

We shouldn't. -SH

I suppose you're right. -JW

It's an easy mistake to form an attachment. They're just so...small. -SH

I'm sure. It'll be hard to give them away by the time they're ready. -JW

Do you think it's alright to leave them alone? I want a walk. -SH

They should be fine since Hypatia's there. -JW

I'll be back shortly, then. -SH

You alright? -JW

Why wouldn't I be? -SH

You seem a bit...affected. -JW

That would be absurd. -SH

Of course. Silly me. -JW

I am fine. -SH

Good. Enjoy your walk. -JW

See you at home. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologize for my lack of knowledge regarding the birthing process of cats. The only knowledge I possess is that of what I know from when my sister's cat had her kittens, and I wasn't even there for the whole thing. If you spot a mistake in John's instructions, remember that he's a doctor, not a veterinarian.


	24. Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John tries to convince Sherlock of the joys of getting a year older.

Your birthday is coming up soon, isn't it? -JW

Whatever you're thinking, stop. -SH

What makes you think I'm thinking of anything? -JW

You're not just asking about the date. -SH

Well, yes, but I just wanted to know what you want me to get you for a present. -JW

Don't bother. -SH

Why not? -JW

Because I don't place any value on trinkets. Or birthdays. -SH

I would have thought you would enjoy birthdays since it's the one day you get to take advantage of tradition. -JW

Take advantage? -SH

The gifts bit. -JW

I haven't received a birthday gift that I actually wanted since I was a teenager, John. If I needed anything I would simply purchase it myself. -SH

Yes, but this way you get it for free. -JW

I don't see what difference it makes. We essentially share accounts. -SH

It's a chance for me to show me appreciation that you're still around. -JW

That's rather grim, isn't it? -SH

How is it grim? It seems like the opposite of grim to me. -JW

"You've managed not to die for another year, so you've earned a token. How about a necktie?" Seems downright maudlin to me. -SH

It's not just about you not dying, it's appreciation for you in general. -JW

You do that already. Quite often. -SH

And you like it. -JW

I don't deny it. -SH

So why be so against birthdays? -JW

It's unnecessary. As we've established, you appreciate me without regard for the date, and I don't particularly care about anyone else. -SH

What if I got a cake? -JW

If you have a craving for cake, by all means. -SH

Come on, you're telling me you wouldn't even eat any? -JW

I'll eat whatever's in, but I'm not Mycroft. I don't have any particular need for sweets. -SH

Mrs. Hudson says otherwise. -JW

Oh no. You're involving her in his as well? -SH

She was the one who reminded me about your birthday in the first place. -JW

She's going to want to sing. -SH

It's not like she would be torturing you, it's a thirty-second song. -JW

There's no appropriate way to react! -SH

You smile and nod. -JW

Fine, I don't want to react appropriately. -SH

It's not rocket science, Sherlock, if you get it over with she can hug you and leave. -JW

There's obviously no convincing either of you to leave it alone. -SH

At least I didn't tell Lestrade. -JW

He knows. Hopefully he'll be too busy to remember. -SH

Don't count on it. -JW

Are you planning on reminding him? -SH

I won't need to. He's got a good memory for birthdays. -JW

Like most police detectives, he has a talent for filling his brain with useless information. Perhaps he'll have something I want, at least. -SH

Maybe he'll let you take on a triple homicide and you won't have time to let us spoil you. -JW

Happy birthday to me. -SH

You just watch, I'll find a present you'll really enjoy and surprise you. -JW

Surprise me? Think who you're texting. -SH

I've done it before. It's rare, but I've done it. -JW

That just means that if you do surprise me, I wouldn't be so surprised. -SH

So you're saying that if I didn't surprise you, you would be more surprised? -JW

No, I expect that you won't. You'll make a thoughtful attempt, though. I might even feign surprise out of courtesy. -SH

I'm taking that as a challenge. -JW

I look forward to it. -SH

I look forward to see the look on your face. -JW

Oh, I'll be very convincing. -SH

Because you'll be genuinely surprised. -JW

We shall see. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the end, John took Sherlock on a trip to a bee farm. He was ecstatic. 
> 
> Now, I've been told that the headcanon for Sherlock's birthday is sometime in January, but whatever, I wanted to do a birthday thing.


	25. Soap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock makes a bit of a mess in the kitchen.

Care to explain why the kitchen is covered in soap suds? -JW

You requested that I clean up next time I conducted an untidy experiment. -SH

This isn't what I call cleaning. I can't even see the floor. -JW

It's much cleaner than it was. -SH

It's also more wet and slippery. -JW

The cats are avoiding the area, yes? -SH

Yes, but that's not the point. Why didn't you dry it up? -JW

The compound under the soap needs time to react with it before it will come off. -SH

What compound? What did you spill? -JW

Don't worry, in its current form it's harmless. -SH

Again, what did you spill? -JW

I synthesized it. It was supposed to be an experiment on the reactivity of the pavement from various London streets, which admittedly started to take an unorthodox turn around hour 27. -SH

And just how much of it did you spill that you needed to soak the whole kitchen floor AND the table top? -JW

Quite a lot, obviously. Perhaps 10 litres. -SH

That's unusually clumsy of you. How did that happen? -JW

There may have been a reaction I had not planned for. -SH

Please tell me you didn't make the microwave explode again. -JW

All right. I didn't make the microwave explode again. -SH

Was there any truth to that statement? -JW

Technically it was the compound that exploded, not the microwave. -SH

God damnit, we cannot keep replacing the microwave like this! Or other appliances! -JW

It should still mostly work once it's cleaned up. -SH

But will it work safely? -JW

To determine that, I would need to conduct more tests. -SH

You know the employees at the appliance store know me by name now. -JW

So? You enjoy being social. -SH

My point is that we shouldn't be going through appliances that fast. -JW

I can fix it. It shouldn't be too complex. -SH

Remember when you tried to fix the coffee maker? -JW

I have deleted all record of that incident and so should you. -SH

It should serve as a warning for both of us. -JW

I have no idea what you're referring to. -SH

There's a reason we don't have a coffee maker any more. -JW

It's a machine that heats up water and drips it out! I've mastered complex biochemistry! -SH

And yet you bungled basic repair. -JW

I did not "bungle" anything. I decided I had more interesting matters to concern myself with. -SH

And the fact that you lost a lot of the parts had nothing to do with it, I suppose. -JW

I did find them eventually. In the bin. -SH

Hence why I'm somewhat concerned for the future of the microwave. -JW

Don't be. I am a genius. I will repair it. In fact, I will improve its functionality. -SH

I think I'd rather rely on past experience. -JW

I have made my decision. -SH

Oh have you, then? -JW

I am repairing the microwave. Buy a new one if you want but you'll be wasting your time. -SH

We'll see, I suppose. Just try to keep the damage contained. -JW

There won't be any damage. -SH

Whatever you say. As long as the kitchen gets cleaned up. -JW

Right. The kitchen. Of course. -SH

You do plan to be the one to clean it up, right? -JW

Now that you mention, I am rather busy today... -SH

I am not cleaning that up, and neither is Mrs. Hudson. You made the mess, you clean it up. -JW

I knew you would say that. -SH

That's how the world works. -JW

That isn't true at all. For example, a murderer makes a mess of someone and the police come to clean it up. The the police make a mess of that and I clean it up. -SH

That's not getting you out of cleaning up your own mess. -JW

But that isn't because it's the way the world works, it's because you don't want to do it this time. -SH

You make is sound like there are times when I WANT to clean up after you. -JW

More often than not, your desire to have the kitchen cleaned in a timely manner outweighs your desire to make a point about chores. -SH

I'm bound and determined this time. -JW

So it would seem. All right, John, I'll find some time to restore the kitchen. And I'll repair the microwave. -SH

Good. In the meantime, I'll order some food in, since I can't get to the fridge. -JW

That might be for the best. I doubt there's anything in the fridge you would want to eat. -SH

We really need to get you your own fridge for body parts. -JW

Perhaps your new friends at the appliance store will help. -SH

Oh hush. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it's been so long since we posted a chapter, but we've been busy with our blog, and also Sherlock recently moved to Japan. This doesn't mean the roleplays are going to stop, but they're going to be a bit less frequent (although I do have a bit of a backlog to post, so I suppose you have that to look forward to).


	26. Picky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock is a bit overprotective of the kittens.

Mike is going to take one of the kittens. -JW

Mike Stamford? Acceptable. -SH

Two more to go. -JW  
Did we ever get that call back from the client who said she might take one? -JW

I have deleted all record of it. -SH

What? Why? -JW

I assure you, there is a very good reason. -SH

And you deleted the reason, I suppose? -JW

She was an idiot. -SH

You think everyone's an idiot. -JW

She wouldn't have been fit to take care of one of the cats, though. Don't you remember her case? -SH

Her children were kidnapped, weren't they? -JW

And it was practically her fault. She had them going back to their father's when she broke up with him because of his criminal ties. -SH

Alright, fine. But you have better start looking as well, because this is the fourth potential owner you've declined. -JW

You'd have let one of them go with someone who likes to cook! -SH

What's wrong with liking to cook? -JW

You could tell by the smell on his hands that he used onions frequently, and his schedule would mean he'd often have to leave before he could put his meals away. If a cat got into the onions, it would become ill. -SH

Okay, but what about the lonely elderly lady? -JW

A cat can be expected to live for around 14 years. That woman is going to die in about 5. -SH

Oh my god. -JW

What? -SH

You are pickier with the kitten's potential owners than you are with your cases. -JW

A case is over in a week or two, at the longest. And the kittens can't determine a suitable owner for themselves. -SH

Well if you don't lower your standards a little, we're going to end up with three cats instead of one. -JW

Do you suppose they would become territorial as they got older? -SH

Depends on if we got them fixed or not, I suppose. But we're not keeping them. -JW

If they grew up with the small amount of space, they would be accustomed to it. -SH

Sherlock, no. -JW

Mrs. Hudson likes them. You've heard her when she's been here. -SH

So have her take one. -JW

But they're ours. -SH

...God damn it, you know just what to say to make me rethink my words. -JW

It's not practical to keep them, but I can't seem to put the thought out of my mind. -SH

Pretty hard to resist when you've got one in your lap, isn't it? -JW

I should be able to, but I can't. Why can't I? We didn't even name them. -SH

It's the face. You can't resist it. -JW

I think I may have gone permanently soft. I need a difficult case to snap myself out of it. -SH

I doubt you're going to start crying at rom-coms or being any less rude to people. You can relax. -JW

I'm serious. They can't feed or defend themselves, and I'll never be able to have an intelligent conversation with them. Why should the idea of giving them away be so unpalatable? -SH

You've grown attached to them. It's not surprising or a bad thing. -JW

It's a bad thing if it ends in us living with three cats. -SH

I never agreed to keep them. Anyway, it's not the end of the world if we do end up keeping them. -JW

You'll agree if I want you to, though. -SH

Not necessarily. There are a lot of things you want that I don't let you have. -JW

But this wouldn't be one of them. You care for them too. It's obvious. -SH

There's nothing wrong with that. -JW

Not for you. -SH

Or you. You're allowed to be attached to your pets. -JW

We weren't planning for them to be ours. -SH

No, but sometimes plans change. -JW

This wouldn't be so much of a problem if every Londoner who wants a kitten weren't so atrociously incompetent. -SH

Except for Mike, obviously. -JW

He's not a complete idiot. -SH

If we find two other "not complete idiots" in the next few weeks, will you feel better about letting them go? -JW

If such a thing is possible. -SH

If we can find one, we can find more. -JW

I suppose it is possible. -SH

Good. Now stop having a panic about your feelings. -JW

That is not what I am doing! -SH

Whatever you say. -JW

Take it back. -SH

You sound like a five-year-old. -JW

I'm not panicking and I don't care about "feelings". -SH

I call it like I see it. -JW

You're wrong. I'm agitated because I'm bored. -SH

Aren't you still in the middle of a case? -JW

Shut up! I'm waiting for some laboratory results. Otherwise I wouldn't have time for this. -SH

You're holding the black kitten, aren't you? -JW

I might be. -SH

If I'm not careful, she'll replace me as your "stimulator". -JW

But it would be near impossible to have her deal with stupid people for me. -SH

She would diffuse arguments more quickly. -JW

She would make a wonderful distraction while I made for the door, yes. -SH

You wouldn't be able to come back if that happened. The other person wouldn't want to leave the flat. -JW

That would create a problem, yes. We'd end up with far too many idiots in the flat. -SH

Looks like you're stuck with me after all. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad that I've been taking so long to post chapters, but I'm proud to say that the blog is doing very well! We're almost up to 250 followers, and very grateful! That's http://consulting-flatmates.tumblr.com/ for those who have no idea what I'm talking about. Stop by and ask the boys a question!


	27. Homophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the boys must face their most fearsome adversary of all.

Run. Get out of the flat while you still can. -JW

John? -SH

Someone told my mother about the johnlock stories. She's convinced that the whole thing is your fault and that you're secretly trying to seduce me. So run. -JW

Oh. I was concerned. I think I can handle your mother. -SH

No, you don't understand. You and Mycroft got your deductive abilities from your mum, right? Where do you think I got my stubbornness from? -JW

You do recall my mother? I lived with her for he better part of 18 years. Stubbornness is not something new to me. -SH

She's reduced grown men to tears before. -JW

I don't do tears. -SH

I could give examples on why that's not completely true, but that's not for now. Look, she's not going to listen to anything you try to say to her, so just leave the flat for a bit until I can talk to her properly. -JW

I'll give you twenty minutes. If you've not convinced her by then, I'm interceding. -SH

Your version of interceding involves insulting people until hey leave in tears. -JW

Yes. -SH

I don't want you to insult my mother, Sherlock. I want her to like you somewhat when this is all over. -JW

You plan to bring her opinion form "secretly trying to convert my only good child to the cult of homosexuality" to "that nice upstanding bloke who helps he police"? -SH

Just as close to it as I can. -JW

If she's determined to think negatively of me, that won't change, John. -SH

Maybe I can at least get her not to hate you quite so much. -JW

By not letting me speak with her. -SH

By not letting you insult her. You can speak with her in a civilized manner when I've calmed her down a bit. -JW

You've no chance of convincing her. You do know that? -SH

Look, you're my best friend. If I can't get her to like you, then I at least want to try and get her to accept you. -JW

She's your mother. Do as you will. -SH

If I can get her to be calm at least, then you can come back in. -JW

If I can't say anything insulting, I'll stay out, actually. -SH

Sherlock, I know she can be a bit hard to get along with, but I don't want you at each other's throats. -JW

She thinks I'm harmful to you. -SH

And we both know she's wrong. -JW

And you expect me to just be quiet about it. -SH

You're always talking about how pointless it is to pay attention to people who are wrong. -JW

Which is why I've decided I'll be staying out of the flat. -SH

Alright. I suppose with any amount of luck I can make her leave in a reasonable amount of time. -JW

I'll find something to do. -SH

Just be glad my dad didn't come with her. He's worse than she is. -JW

So much worse that you wouldn't consider it not good to let me chase him off? -SH

So much worse that I'm worried about you two hurting each other if I let you be in the same room together. -JW

I look forward to our inevitable meeting. -SH

I really don't. -JW

Iss this going to be a frequent occurrence? -SH

God, I hope not. -JW

Did she come to London exclusively to bother you? -SH

Pretty much. She feels the need to "protect me". -JW

There is literally no one on Earth who needs to be protected from me less. -SH

I know that, believe me, but she thinks you're going to seduce me into gayness somehow. -JW

Bigotry aside, why would I want to do that? -SH

She thinks that you're gay and that you're the one who started he whole johnlock thing. -JW

Oh yes, that's a tried and true method of seduction. -SH

I never said she was a logical thinker. -JW

It sounds like she's not much of a thinker at all. Perhaps she's suffering some form of elderly dementia? -SH

She's strong willed and doesn't believe in changing her mind on anything. Ever. -JW

And yet you try. -SH

If I can convince her that you're not actually gay then she might ease up a little. -JW

If she has such a problem with homosexuality, I doubt she's particularly interested in the truth of it. -SH

Well if I just ignore her she'll never leave the flat. -JW

No, you don't describe her as the type to respond to the silent treatment. I still think my initial plan was the best option. -SH

Insulting her will only make things worse. -JW

Is being insulting supposed to be some undesirable trait that gay people have? -SH

No, but no one likes to be insulted. -JW

It doesn't stop your mother. -SH

So be better than her. -JW

I am better than her. -SH

Better by not resorting to insults. -JW

It's not "resorting" to anything if it's true. -SH

Sherlock, please. -JW

You're trying to protect her form me. Is that what this is? -SH

More like I'm trying to protect you both from each other. -JW

I don't care what she thinks and neither should you. -SH

If you really didn't care about what she thought, you wouldn't care about talking to her. -JW

Why should I? She's an idiot. -SH

Insulting her is only going to make both of our lives a living hell. -JW

Not if I do well enough that she doesn't want to come back. -SH

She will always come back. I'm the "favourite child", remember? -JW

Inform me when she leaves, then. Obviously there isn't anything I can do here. -SH

I will. Meanwhile, you can find whoever told her and punch them in the face. -JW

Is that a serious suggestion? Because I'm more than willing. -SH

Well, half serious. Don't want you getting arrested again. -JW

Noted. I'll leave before they call the police. -SH

Have fun then, I suppose. -JW

What I can't understand is how you could have come from such a pair of morons. -SH

I'll take that as a compliment. -JW

It seems both genetically and socially impossible. -SH

I used to look up to Harry, before the whole drinking thing happened. She rebelled as often as possible. -JW

With good reason. -SH

I'm fairly certain they're the reason she started drinking, actually. -JW

Parents do often have a role in this sort of thing. -SH

I find it a bit unfair that I had to deal with your mum, and now I have to deal with mine. -JW

And both my brother and your sister. -SH

You could have helped out a bit with your mum, you know. -JW

Oh no, that would have been even more of an ordeal, if I had actually been present. -SH

I think you just didn't want to talk to her. -JW

They're not mutually exclusive. -SH

Okay, I think I've convinced her to leave for now. -JW

Then I'll be home shortly. -SH

I'm worried she might be planning on bringing my dad back with her. The only reason he didn't come in the first place is because he's sick. -JW

I suppose you won't want me to insult him either. -SH

Depending on what he does, I might not have a choice but to let you. -JW

An exciting prospect for us all. -SH

I don't want things to come to blows. -JW

I won't kill him. -SH

I still don't want it to come to that. -JW

Perhaps we can deter him from coming at all. -SH

How? He's just as zealous as my mother and more violent. -JW

Take the fight to them. Bring a woman if you must. -SH

I don't want to just drag some poor random woman into my family mess. -JW

No? You need to somehow convince them that they aren't needed. -SH

And you expect me to just go up to some woman on the street and say, "Hey, want to help me convince my parents that I'm not gay for my best friend? It'll be a blast!" -JW

I suppose you're right. You would need to be dating for some time before it would be considered appropriate to introduce her to them. -SH

And even if I did do that, they would still think you're gay and hate you for it. -JW

As long as they stay out of the flat I don't care about that. -SH

They're going to make me choose between you and them, you know. If the fight gets too out of control. -JW

They can't make you do anything. -SH

They'll treat me like they've always treated Harry. -JW

I'm an expert at this. The key is to remember that they can't make you do anything. -SH

You know that if it came to that I would choose you, right? -JW

It won't come to that. -SH  
You would? -SH

Of course I would, you git. -JW

Ah. They're on the wrong side of what you view as a moral debate. -SH

That's not it. You're my best friend, and nothing is going to change that, not even my parents. -JW

That's...thank you, John. -SH

No problem, Sherlock. -JW

I would say the same to you, but given that I openly detest my family and make a point of doing the exact opposite of what they want...well, you know. -SH

It's fine, I understand. -JW

I will solve this for you. Not sure how yet, but I will. -SH

I appreciate that, thank you. -JW

Don't thank me until it's done. -SH

That could be a while. -JW

Until then, at least they don't live nearby. -SH

Thank god. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, we're alive! We do actually have a lot of chapters written, but we've both been busy with the blog (on which we're doing AU asks, so y'all should go on down there and send stuff in!) and now a new crossover we're working on together (I'll let the second fandom be a surprise, but I will tell you that the first one is Sherlock, so keep an eye out). I will try to update a bi more frequently, but thank you all for being so patient!


	28. Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which an experiment goes horribly, flammably wrong.

Don't be alarmed. -SH

That sentence alone alarms me. What have you done? -JW

There may have possibly been a small fire. -SH

A fire? How small is small? -JW

Most of the kitchen is intact. -SH

What all is damaged? -JW

The stove, the microwave, and most of the food in the cupboard. -SH

God Damnit. -JW  
What about you? Are you hurt? -JW

The appliances still seem to work, all right, though. Just they look a bit burnt now. -SH

Answer my question. -JW

Some minor burns. I took care of it. -SH

I'm coming home to take a look at you. -JW

I told you not to be alarmed! -SH

I'm not alarmed, I'm just making sure you did everything right. And possibly punching you depending on what I see when I get there. -JW

I did everything correctly. I'm not an idiot. -SH

I know you're not, but I would feel better if I saw for myself. -JW

Aren't you working? -SH

I think a fire at the flat is a good excuse to leave for a bit. -JW

Do what you like. I really am all right, though. -SH

I'll be the judge of that. -JW

Thankfully the cats steered clear. -SH

Good. What were you even doing to cause a fire in the first place? -JW

Ironically, experimenting with the synthesis of fireproof substances. -SH

For a moment, I was worried you had actually tried to microwave a banana. -JW

Of course not. I was going to coat everything with a fireproof substance first. -SH

I should have known. -JW

Although in hindsight I suppose I ought to have just skipped that step. -SH

In hindsight, you shouldn't have thought of microwaving a banana in the first place. -JW

Someone else thought of it first. -SH

That does not mean you have to try it. -JW

I had a plan. It was all going to be perfectly safe. Until it wasn't. -SH

Perhaps it's a sign that bananas aren't meant to be microwaved. -JW

Only the skin. -SH

I don't care which part it is, it's not happening again. -JW

To be clear, I was not actually microwaving any bananas. We don't know what would have happened if I did. -SH

It's not happening ever. -JW

But I want to know! -SH

Then look it up on the internet like everyone else. -JW

I prefer to gather my own data and draw my own conclusions. -Sh

And I would prefer you didn't set the kitchen on fire, but we can't always get what we want. -JW

You're angry? -SH

Just a wee bit, yes. -JW

You're angry because you asked me to avoid damaging the kitchen. -SH

Partially, yes. -JW

And because you didn't want me to do this experiment. -SH

Good, you understand. -JW

Of course I do. -SH

It's a step up. Usually it takes you longer to figure out why I'm upset. -JW

I'm a bit upset myself. I didn't think it would be such a catastrophic failure. -SH

Well then let's not go for a repeat, shall we? -JW

If I promise not to do it again, will you stop being angry? -SH

Depends on how sincere the promise is. -JW

At least 65.82 percent. -SH

That's a rather low percentage. -JW

That's almost two thirds! -SH

It's a lot lower than I would like it to be. -JW

75 percent. -SH

Better. -JW

I suppose I don't care about bananas anyway. -SH

Good. Then I'll be decidedly less angry when I get there. -JW

That's all I ask. -SH

I can't guarantee I won't go back to being a little angrier after seeing the damage. -JW

Everything still functions, as I said. We may be low on food, though. -SH

I suppose we can have takeaway tonight and I'l go shopping tomorrow. -JW

Your choice of restaurants. -SH

I'll decide later. I'm nearly there. -JW

See you in a moment, then. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, sorry we've taken so long to update, we're both still recovering from S3! We've also both been focusing on our other writing projects we're doing together, not to mention the blog (although that one's been a little slow as of late). Speaking of which, if you were wondering where the banana thing came from, it's a reference to the blog. If you feel like scrolling down far enough you'll probably find it.
> 
> Thank you all for waiting so patiently!


	29. Parachute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock receives an odd package and may or may not be a vampire.

Did you order a giant rainbow parachute online? -JW

Did that finally come in? -SH

What could you possibly need it for? -JW

In case I need to look flashy jumping out of an aeroplane, what do you think? -SH

I'm genuinely curious, no need to be sarcastic. -JW

Wanted to test the absorbency, air resistance, whether or not someone could be suffocated with it, and so forth. -SH

Lovely. And what do you plan to do with it when all that's done? -JW

Fold it back up, clearly. -SH

And just keep it around the flat? We're crowded as is. -JW

We could bin it, I suppose. We probably won't need it again. -SH

Seems like a waste of money. Maybe I could advertise it on the blog? -JW

If you're so determined to bore our readers, by all means. -SH

Hey, for all you know, someone could be desperate for a giant rainbow parachute. -JW

I'm going to cut some of it up, though. It won't be useful to anyone else. -SH

Well, you could have said that earlier. -JW

You expected me to run any given test on the whole thing? -SH

You never know with you. -JW

All of my experiments make perfect sense if you think about them. -SH

If YOU think about them, certainly. -JW

No, there wouldn't be much point if I didn't know what I was doing. -SH

Not everyone shares your thought process. -JW

If they did, someone else would already have done any experiment I could think of. -SH

Well, maybe Mrs. Hudson will want to use the leftover fabric for sewing. -JW

She's welcome to what's left of it when it's done. -SH

In the future, could you do experiments on smaller things? -JW

How much smaller? -SH

Oh, you know, things that aren't the size of the flat. -JW

A parachute isn't the size of the flat if you fold it. -SH

If you fold it, yeah. but how long do you think it's going to stay folded in here? -JW

It won't just be perpetually trailing around the flat. That would be just as annoying to me as it would to you. -SH

Still, it's a hassle to deal with, and you could have gotten a smaller parachute anyway. -JW

No, it had to be this parachute specifically. -SH

Why? All parachutes are essentially made of the same fabric, and I'm sure you could have found a smaller one that was also rainbow. -JW

Suspected criminal activity at this company's factory. Want to see if I can pick up some evidence. -SH

They don't make smaller parachutes? -JW

You would have found it just as troublesome. -SH

How long is this experiment going to take? -JW

A few days at most. -SH

Brilliant. Well, I suppose it's for a good cause. -JW

And it's at least mildly interesting. -SH

What kind of illegal activity could a parachute factory be doing anyway? -JW

In this particular case, explosives smuggling. -SH

So you would be able to tell if they were if their product smelled like gunpowder? -JW

They wash the fabric before sending it out, obviously. -SH

I'm surprised you're not just planning on sneaking into the factory. -JW

In due time, John. -SH

And I suppose you want me to go with you. -JW

Don't you want to? -SH

Of course, I just thought I'd double-check. -JW

Good. Useful to have another pair of eyes. -SH

As long as the parachute gets out of the flat. -JW

The parachute is really the only thing that bothers you? Not the blood? -SH

Blood? What blood? -JW

Don't look in the freezer. -SH

...Sherlock, what the hell did you do? -JW

I didn't take it directly from anyone, if that's what you're concerned about. -SH

What exactly are you planning to do with all that blood? -JW

I'm looking at the various crystallization stages in blood combined with the effects of some medications. -SH

You know what, as long as you don't start drinking it or something, I don't even care. -JW

Don't be absurd. That would only make me ill. -SH

Good to know. I've wondered sometimes if I was flatmates with a vampire. -JW

Ah yes. You've discovered my terrible secret. -SH

And you wouldn't be the 'nice' vampire that only drinks out of blood bags either. -JW

No, I think it would be much more entertaining to find people to drink from. -SH

Am I going to come home to find you sucking some poor bloke dry? -JW

I'll be certain to keep quiet. -SH

As long as you treat him well. -JW

Of course I would ensure he enjoyed it. -SH

"Pardon me, but do you mind if I stick my teeth in your neck for just a sec? I promise it'll feel good." -JW

Has that line worked much for you in the past? -SH

Some ladies like that sort of thing, you know. -JW

Thus explaining the recent vampire trend. -SH

It just doesn't seem like being immortal would be all that great to me. -JW

It would be horribly dull, at least. -SH

Maybe not dull, since you get to watch the human race develop and change, but you'd have to watch anyone you got close to grow old and die while you kept going. -JW

You could simply not get close to anyone. -SH

But what kind of existence is that? -JW

It would be the way it is. -SH

I think I'd go absolutely bonkers never getting close to anyone. -JW

You would, wouldn't you. Fortunate that you'll never need to worry about immortality. -SH

So you're not going to turn me into your vampire minion, then? -JW

Is that something that vampires do? -SH

I wouldn't know, I've never met one. -JW

Obviously. -SH

You do come pretty close to one, though. -JW

I think you were half expecting me to drink that blood and reveal to you the existence of a secret society of supernatural beings. -SH

I wouldn't have been completely unsurprised, I suppose. -JW

Reality is far more interesting, John. At least sometimes. -SH

It can be fun to imagine the possibilities once in a while, though. -JW

You are easily entertained. -SH

So you've said. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those of you who follow our blog on tumblr, I would like to apologize most heartily that there's been no activity in so long. We've both been really busy. I promise as soon as things slow down a little we'll answer asks!
> 
> And yes, those innuendos are intentional.;)


	30. Attachment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which nearly all of the kittens find a home.

Mike came by and picked up Kitten A. -SH

Oh good. Did Kaitlyn ever get ahold of you about the second kitten? -JW

I don't like her. She doesn't use punctuation in her texts. -SH

And that's going to affect the kitten how? -JW

It's admittedly unlikely to affect the kitten, but I dislike her nonetheless. -SH

Come on, Sherlock, by now you're just looking for excuses. -JW

Perhaps, but I still don't like her. She speaks in an artificially cheerful tone. -SH

Is it because she wants to take the black kitten? -JW

Kitten C. -SH

I know she's your favourite. -JW

It. Kitten C. It would be absurd to give it any special significance. -SH

It wouldn't be if they've already been around for seven weeks. -JW

They're cats. They probably won't even remember us when they go. -SH

You're still only human. -JW

Stop that. -SH

Look, either you stop making up stupid reasons for people not to take a cat or you admit you're a bit attached. You can't avoid both. -JW

At least some of them were legitimate concerns! -SH

But being grammatically incorrect? -JW

I didn't say she would be unable to care for a pet. I said I don't like her. -SH

So you'll let her take a kitten? -JW

I suppose there's no other option. -SH

...Tell you what, I'll make sure she takes the boy kitten, and we can think about keeping the girl. -JW

We can think about anything we like. -SH

You know what I mean. We'll discuss it. -JW

You don't need to. I'm not upset. -SH

I know, but maybe I've gotten a bit attached myself. -JW

Then perhaps. For your sake. -SH

I know it'll be SO hard for you to deal with. -JW

Not everyone can be as impervious as I am, but fortunately for you I've learned to cope with ordinary people such as yourself. -SH

You do what you must, right? -JW

Do you mean it about Kitten C? -SH

Yes, Sherlock. -JW

You're not concerned about space? -SH

One extra cat isn't going to block up the flat. -JW

Not that it's particularly important to be, I only want to make sure you're considering any aspect you need to consider. -SH

It's fine, Sherlock. I wouldn't be considering it if I thought there would be something getting in the way. -JW

Then...good. That is agreeable to me. -SH

You get to name this one too. -JW

Not unless you're certain. -SH

I am. -JW

I keep thinking of it as Kitten C. -SH

Well she won't be a kitten for long, but if that's what sticks I suppose that's what sticks. -JW

Something else that begins with a C, perhaps. Don't you want to name her? -SH

Any name I choose you would declare 'too boring' and then I would have to listen to your complaining for the rest of her life. -JW

Make an attempt anyway. I want to know what you'd come up with. -SH

...Actually, still think 'Crime Scene' is a good name for a cat? -JW

Very amusing. And if I do? -SH

I think I could live with it. -JW

I don't want you to just live with it, I want you to be attached. -SH

Yes, I'd be willing. -JW

Crime Scene. -SH

So it shall be, then. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Woah...we're actually POSTING A THING??? WHAAAAAAT???
> 
> But yes, apologies. It just kept slipping our minds until like just now. 
> 
> But yes, news: Mads and Meepers for the first time ever actually got to meet face to face a few weeks ago! Meepers (the John) flew down to meet with Mads and we spend a week in each other's presence! Which means we got to answer a few of the asks on the blog without having to use Google Docs, which was nice, and we got a crapton of writing on other stuff done! (In fact, you may see a new story by us very soon. Keep an eye out.)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has stuck it out with this story so far, and to the newbies, welcome! Check out our blog, (http://consulting-flatmates.tumblr.com) asks are always open!


	31. Greg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock and Lestrade are quarreling and John has to play the mediator.

You really need to make up with Greg. It's been nearly a week. -JW

I know precisely how much time has passed. -SH

Honestly, your initial argument isn't even that big of a deal. -JW

Evidently it's a big enough deal to him. -SH

You know it's not just him. You were making as much of a fuss as he was. -JW

I was not "making a fuss", and he was wrong. -SH

About something unimportant. Or at least not important enough for all this drama. -JW

He pulled me off a crime scene mid-investgation. -SH

And you were being an arse to a witness. -JW

I was doing my job. -SH

You can do your job and not be an arse at the same time. -JW

Ah. I see. You're on his side. -SH

I'm TRYING to say you both handled things badly. -JW

If he's let us keep going, that case would be solved by now. -SH

And the witness would be emotionally traumatised for the rest of her life. -JW

The evidence did point to the conclusion that it was her fault that her brother died. I said nothing to her that was untrue. -SH

That isn't the point. There is a thing called tact, and you need to learn when to utilise it. -JW

I know when to utilise tact. -SH

You didn't do a very good job then. -JW

There wasn't time! While she was wiping her nose and avoiding questions, the murderer was making plans to flee the country. Which succeeded, because anyone who might have stopped him was occupied passing tissues to a teary witness. -SH

That is not going to hinder you from catching him for long and you know it. Sometimes it's more important to go straight to the point, yes, but other times it's more important to consider people's emotions. -JW

What's hindering us from catching him is that we've been barred from the crime scene, the witnesses, and all the evidence. -SH

I admit, Greg was a little harsh with how he dealt with it. But you both said harsh things to each other that you need to apologise for. -JW

He's not going to apologise and neither am I. -SH

You can't avoid each other forever. -JW

Not according to him. -SH

Don't make it look like he's doing all the work here. You're avoiding him as much as he is you. -JW

I'm so bored, John. And that case is still there. Unresolved. -SH

Then talk to him. I'm sure he needs your help, and you need the case. -JW

You do it. You weren't in conflict with him. -SH

Which is exactly why you need to do it. The problem isn't going to go away if you ignore it. -JW

What do I say? -SH

You explain why you did what you did - calmly, I might add - and he'll do the same. Then you apologise for comparing him to Anderson and he'll apologise for what he said to you. -JW

He won't. He meant every word of it. -SH

You know that isn't true. He was angry and said things he didn't mean. -JW

I don't even care. Why should I? As long as I can work. -SH

He's your friend, Sherlock, much as you like trying to deny it. -JW

They were just words. Not even technically false ones. Really it's my own mistake letting it affect me. -SH

Anyone would have been affected by that and Greg should have known better. -JW

Then shouldn't he be the one to apologise? -SH

Again, you compared him to Anderson. You both need to apologise. -JW

I suppose I'll speak to him. For the sake of solving the case. -SH

I'm pretty sure he wants to apologise anyway. He does care about you. -JW

I know he does. That makes it worse. -SH

People say things they don't mean when they're angry. -JW

They also say things they have been meaning to say for a long time. -SH

This is not one of them. -JW

You don't know that for a fact. -SH

He wouldn't have put up with you this long if he thought of you like that. -JW

I suppose not... -SH

Text him, or call him or something. Just make sure you talk to him at some point. -JW

Yes, all right. I will. At some point. -SH

At some point today. -JW

Why today? -SH

Because I'm sick of coming home to find you sulking on the sofa. -JW

I'll sulk if I want to sulk. -SH

Not for an entire week when it's an issue that could be easily fixed. -JW

I wasn't aware there was a time deadline. -SH

The sooner you talk to him, the sooner he lets you back on the case. -JW

Assuming he actually does let me back on the case. -SH

As long as you aren't a complete arse when you talk to him, I doubt that he wouldn't. -JW

I'll be perfectly contrite. You just watch. -SH

Do you want me to be there when you talk to him? -JW

No. -SH  
Maybe. Sort of nearby. -SH

If you have him come to the flat, I can be in the next room. -JW

No. We have to go to Scotland Yard. A surprise attack. -SH

On who? The witness? -JW

Lestrade. -SH

Jesus. I'll meet you there. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PEACE MY FRIENDS, HE IS NOT DEAD
> 
> As long as there is no 'major character death' tag listed, we will not be killing anyone off! Lestrade lives!
> 
> On that note, I'd like to thank all our followers for being so patient. You are all fantastic.
> 
> Also our ask blog still exists. Send us stuff. Please. We get so bored. http://consulting-flatmates.tumblr.com/ask/


	32. Harry Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which tragedy strikes in the Watson family.   
> **(Trigger warning: alcoholism and DUI)**

There was a phone call for you. -SH

Oh? Did they leave a message? -JW

Yes. With me. It's about your sister. -SH

What's she done now? Hasn't gotten arrested, has she? -JW

Not exactly. Not yet, at least. There was a car accident. -SH

An accident? She crashed into someone? -JW

Apparently. -SH

How bad is the damage? Is she alright? -JW

She was unconscious. The paramedic wouldn't disclose much, but from her voice it wasn't terribly graphic. -SH

Which hospital? -JW

Anne's. -SH

I'm heading there now. -JW

Take a cab. Don't worry about the fare. -SH

Thank you. Did they say what caused the crash? -JW

John, we both know what caused the crash. -SH

I know. But I had hoped... -JW

Perhaps I'm wrong. -SH

For her and the other driver's sake, I hope so. -JW

The damage has been done. -SH

I know, but somehow knowing she was sober would make it a little better. -JW

I don't see what difference it makes. She'd have less legal trouble, I suppose. -SH

It's the fact that my sister's alcoholism has progressed to the point where she's drinking and driving that really bothers me. -JW

You're distressed. -SH

Yes, I'd say I am rather. -JW

It's not as if you're the one who's hurt. -SH

She's my family, Sherlock. It's hurting me to see her destroying herself like this. -JW

You couldn't stop caring even if you wanted to. -SH

No, I really couldn't. -JW

But that would be the most logical course of action. Nobody gets hurt. -SH

There's nothing logical about emotions. -JW

Not always, I suppose, no. Not for most people. -SH

I'll probably stay with her until she wakes up. Don't know how long that will be. -JW

Of course. Tell me if there's something I can do to alleviate...all this. -SH

Thanks. I will. -JW

You've arrived by now, yes? What have they said? -SH

Ulna broken, radius cracked, and a heavy concussion, but other than that the rest is just bruises. She was also definitely under the influence. -JW

I was right on all counts, then. Nothing she won't recover from. -SH

She'll still have to go to court, and back to rehab. -JW

Waste of time. -SH

And what would you recommend then, hmm? Because it's that or watch her get herself get killed. -JW

I gave you my recommendation already. -SH

I'm not going to stop caring. I can't any more than you can turn off your brain. -JW

Addicts are addicts, John. That doesn't change. Court-ordered psychotherapy is only good for making people feel like they've done something. -SH

You quit cocaine. Why can't she quit alcohol? -JW

I replaced it with something that does a better job. Doesn't make me any less of an addict. -SH

People have successfully quit before. -JW

Harry hasn't. -SH

She'll have to if she wants to keep me in her life. -JW

Not ten minutes ago you said you couldn't stop caring. -SH

I can't. I'll always care about her, but I can't keep watching her do this to herself. If she won't get help, I'll have to cut myself off from her. -JW

You would do that? -SH

She needs motivation. This could be the only thing that motivates her. -JW

More than likely she won't have a choice, once the courts get involved. -SH

But it'll only work if she's willing to make a change. -JW

At least you understand that much. -SH

Something's wrong. She started shaking. They just took her to the ICU. -JW

Too early for an alcohol withdrawal. -SH

It's not that. The concussion caused a brain hemorrhage. -JW

They'll be operating then, yes? -SH

Yes. That's the plan. -JW

I suppose this means you'll be waiting there for some time. -SH

I'm not leaving until I know she's alright. -JW

I would expect nothing less. -SH

Well my parents certainly aren't going to show up. -JW

You'd not want them to. -SH

They'd only fight. But it would be nice to know they haven't completely forsaken her. -JW

You don't need them. Neither of you do. -SH

I know I don't. I just don't want to do this alone. -JW

Twenty minutes. -SH

You don't have to. -JW

You said you don't want to be alone. -SH

...Alright, thank you. -JW

It's nothing. Fifteen minutes. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those worried, no, there will be no death happening to Harry in this story, we're not monsters. She is, however, in for some hard times, so buckle up.
> 
> And as always, thank you to all you awesome peeps who've stuck around with us through ridiculously long wait periods between updates!


	33. Harry Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry's court date is set and Sherlock feels things.

The court date's set for the 1st. Are you going to go or stay home? -JW

You know I don't do well in courtrooms. -SH

Right, just thought I'd ask. -JW

You want me there. -SH

I'm not going to force you there, I can handle things. -JW

You won't have to do much but show up and look serious. -SH

I know. It probably won't last long since it's so open and shut. -JW

It's going to be fine, John. They'll lecture her and order her off to rehab. It will be exactly as you want. -SH

I'll have to look at the faces of the couple she nearly killed. -JW

Nearly. -SH

Close enough. -JW

This is not your responsibility, John. -SH

That doesn't make things any better. -JW

She's more ashamed of this than you are. I can assure you of that. -SH

I should hope she is. Hopefully this will be what gets her to change. -JW

You know, on second thought, I will go with you. -SH

Oh? Why's that? -JW

Do I need a reason? You don't want to go alone again, and I need data. -SH

What sort of data? -JW

On your sister. And some other points. -SH

What sort of data could you get on Harry in the courtroom? You won't exactly be able to ask her any questions. -JW

Oh, John. It's as if we've never met. -SH

Well all you can deduce from her you saw at the hospital. Unless...you think something changed when she woke up? -JW

I need to see her reaction when she's confronted with the harm she's caused. -SH

Do me a favor and don't tell me what you see. -JW

I'm completely certain she'll be remorseful, John. -SH

All the same, don't. Not until after I can talk to her myself. -JW

What are you going to say? -SH

I don't know yet. I'll figure something out. -JW

Don't improvise. Improvising will lead you to speak from your emotions. Use your brain. -SH

I know. I'll plan it out beforehand. -JW

Don't do that either. She'll accuse you of attempting to manipulate her and the focus will be drawn to that instead of what you actually want to talk about. -SH

Well those are my only two options, so what exactly do you expect me to do? -JW

I'm thinking about it. -SH  
I don't know. -SH

I am going to talk to her. If she accuses me of trying to manipulate her, then I can say I tried to talk to her. -JW

You're actually fortunate, in a way. -SH

How so? -JW

Now that she's at the point where she risks harm to others, she can no longer claim it only affects her. That's the most difficult argument to counteract. -SH

It never really only affects the one person, though. Addiction affects everyone close to them too. -JW

Not always. You don't know that for a fact. -SH

Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. -JW

And so the natural reaction would be to try and do something about the problem so it stops affecting you, yes? -SH

Which in most cases would be to help the one addicted. -JW

At any cost. -SH

What sort of costs are you thinking of? -JW

Oh. Just a tangent. Ignore me, and thank you for that perspective. -SH

Sherlock. You know you can talk to me about things. -JW

Not about this. -SH

Why not? You should know by now that I won't judge you. -JW

It's difficult. I never understood what an impossibly difficult position this was. -SH

How is it difficult for you? You're not particularly close to Harry. -JW

And that is the problem. Her drinking has no reason to affect me. But it does affect you, which affects me in turn. -SH  
And who am I to take issue with anyone else's addiction? Especially when I have no reason to let it trouble me. -SH

If something affects someone close to you, you'll be hard-pressed to escape it affecting you too. Whether you do anything to change it or not is up to you, and there isn't necessarily a wrong or right way to handle it. -JW

There is definitely a wrong way to handle it, John. -SH

Unless your way of handling it is to get yourself kicked out of court again, you shouldn't do too terribly. -JW

I won't interrupt. Unless it's really necessary. -SH

What's your definition of 'really necessary'? -JW

Oh, a man gets held in contempt of court one time... -SH

I'd rather not have to bail you out of jail again, thanks. -JW

One crisis at a time, I promise. -SH

You're too kind. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's certainly been an emotional time for our boys. I promise, the one after this is more lighthearted at least (and will be holiday themed because I'm terrible at posting things in a timely fashion). 
> 
> I would like to send a thank you once again to all our regular readers! You're all absolutely wonderful for sticking through long periods between posting!


	34. Candy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John explains the intricacies of gift giving at work to Sherlock.

You haven't been eating all the candy canes, have you? -JW

Of course not. -SH

I didn't think so, but I just bought a new package and it's already nearly empty. I haven't eaten that many. -JW

Why do you keep buying so many? -SH

I like the taste, and they don't sell them any other time of year. Plus they make good gifts. -JW

Good gifts to whom? It's not as if they're hard to come by. -SH

Just coworkers and the like. Even if they're easy to get ahold of it's still a way to let people know you thought of them. -JW

You see thievery day. Of course you think of them. -SH

You see Anderson every day but you never want to get him something. -JW

Yes, which is why I don't understand why you would go to the trouble of giving all of them gifts. Do you actually like these people? -SH

I do like some of the people I work with. -JW

But they're not important enough to buy them actual gifts. -SH

Hence, candy canes. -JW

All right then. I'll replace one of the boxes for you. -SH

Oh yeah? Actually willing to go to the shop for that? -JW

Let's say that. -SH

That's awfully generous of you...what have you done? -JW

Nothing. You'll see when you open the refrigerator. -SH

Oh for god's sake, really? -JW

It's for a case. -SH

You know that excuse won't work every time. -JW

I'll buy you twice the amount of candy canes I used. -SH

What could you have possibly even been trying to prove? -JW

Whether it's possible to use them as weaponry, obviously. -SH

I take it the answer was yes. -JW

You'd have to heavily sedate the victim first, but a potentially fatal wound could be delivered. -SH

And you had to keep the impaled body parts afterwards, why? -JW

To see if the sugar can still be detected once decomposition begins. Besides, I think it looks rather festive. -SH

I suppose it is very you. Still, it's not staying there. -JW

But John! The experiment! -SH

The moment you have the information you need, you're tossing it. -JW

And I suppose if I don't, you will? -SH

You know me so well. -JW

I know everybody so well. -SH

It goes. -JW

Yes, yes, all right. I'll move it to the lab. -SH

Good. And you're still getting another box of candy canes. -JW

I can just take them from the Yard. -SH

No, you buy them. -JW

You're going to make me stand in line and listen to Christmas music at Tesco. -SH

They're right next to the queues, it'll hardly take any time at all. -JW

Even so, I could avoid the whole process but taking them from the police. It's not as iff they'll be missed. -SH

Not the point. You're getting those candy canes honestly. -JW

I honestly can't think of anything less interesting. -SH

Tough. You're doing it. -JW

You select very odd things to be stubborn about. -SH

You put up with me anyway. -JW

I must. -SH

Oh yes, you know how indispensable I am. -JW

Really, I don't know what I would do without you forcing me to be honest. -SH

I really don't think it's that forced. -JW

Don't you? I was playing along. -SH

See you at home, you git. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope you all enjoyed this little taste of Christmas in August! And of course the banter of actual old married couple John and Sherlock. It's nice to see a little bit of domestic bickering in the middle of the stress. We'll be getting right back into it with Harry after this, so enjoy it while you can. 
> 
> And as usual, thank you so much to everyone who has stuck with us since chapter one, and also to everyone this story has picked up along the way! We really appreciate all of your comments and kudos!


	35. Harry Pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock offers a little help with that Harry problem.

I need some data from you. -SH

What sort of data? -JW

About your sister. Why did she leave Clara? -SH

Oh, well I wasn't there when it happened, but the impression I got was that Clara was trying to get her to quit drinking and it got to be too much. Why? -JW

As I thought. A predictable preemptive strike. -SH

What's this all about? -JW

As I said, I need data. I've given the situation some thought but there's only so far I can go on conjecture alone. -SH

What, are you trying to figure out the likelihood that she'll actually recover in rehab? -JW

Increase it. If she does improve, the actual work will be outside of rehab anyway. -SH

How are you going to help her? You aren't going to tail her around after she's released, are you? -JW

Don't be absurd. I'm not Mycroft. -SH

Well the only other option I can think of is have her live with us, and I doubt that's something you'll be able to tolerate. -JW

If she's only quit while under constant monitoring, she hasn't really quit. That stage is what the rehab centres are for. -SH

Well what do you have in mind? -JW

She needs someone to be Lestrade. Now sure what precisely that entails for her, but I'm working on it. -SH

You really are invested in this. -JW

I didn't say that. -SH

But you are. And I appreciate it. -JW

You shouldn't do what you were saying you would. -SH

What would that be? -JW

Threatening to cut off communication if she relapses. It's not what you're supposed to do. -SH

Oh Sherlock, I was frustrated at the time. I'm not going to do it. -JW

You'll be frustrated again. And you tend to follow through on what you say. -SH

I'm not going to abandon her if she needs me. -JW

That's...good to know. It would only cause you frustration anyway. -SH

What brought this up? -JW

As I said, I've been giving the situation some thought. -SH

I can see that. -JW

Particularly what you said. And what you would do in that situation. What I have done. -SH

You feeling alright? -JW

Completely fine. Absolutely. -SH

Right. Okay, well, I really do appreciate that you want to help. -JW

I realise it's not strictly my concern, but I do. Want to help. -SH

It means a lot to me. But hopefully things will work out smoothly without too much interference. -JW

I'm sure she's done this enough times to know what to do in theory. -SH

Yeah, but it has to stick. -JW

She needs to solve whatever problem she's solving with alcohol otherwise. -SH

Considering it started with my parents, I don't know how possible that is. -JW

She can't possibly be thinking about your parents every single time. -SH

No, but that's what started it. -JW

She couldn't change your parents' opinions, but she didn't have to care about that intoxicated. She probably started using it every time she couldn't change a situation. Once she really became an addict a self-perpetuation cycle formed. -SH  
That's what I would say if I were her therapist, anyway. Which thankfully I'm not. -SH

Not tempted to go into the business, huh? -JW

Somehow I don't think I'd be suited for it. -SH

Your answer for everyone's problems would be, "It's because you're an idiot." -JW

I'm much better at causing emotional problems than solving them. -SH

Solving cases solves emotional problems in a way. -JW

Perhaps for some people, but you know that's not what I'm interested in. -SH

We'll call it a pleasant side effect. -JW

"Closure", people say. -SH

Package came for you, by the way. Do I want to know what's inside of it? -JW

I'd say about 50% chance that you do, 50% chance that you don't. Feeling daring? -SH

Helpful. If it's not perishable, I'm leaving it on the table for you. -JW

Should be fine, thank you. I'll see to it when I get home. -SH

Alright, see you then. -JW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, look at me being awful about posting chapters again. And also for those of you who also follow the ask blog that runs along side this fic, I know we haven't been replying to questions, and for that I do apologize. Both of us have been busy with our respective jobs, so it's been hard to find time to actually sit down and type stuff up. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with us this long, we appreciate it so much! I hope you all have a very happy holidays!


	36. Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Sherlock is in a Mood™.

You know you could just tell me when you’re irritated at me instead of going off in a strop. -JW

If you couldn’t notice the obvious signs that I was irritated, you’re even more stupid than you’ve been acting. -SH

It would help if you told me why you’re irritated. -JW

I needed to think and you wouldn’t shut up. Which I told you. Repeatedly. -SH

All I was doing was eating. Nothing anyone else would be bothered by. -JW

It was distracting! And you’ve already eaten twice today! -SH

Oh, I’m sorry I’m too ordinary for you. -JW

Oh, don’t do that. -SH

Well what else am I supposed to say when you get angry with me for eating? Not everyone can go for days without food or sleep, and especially not me. -JW

What part of “I need to think” is too complex for you? It’s not my fault you’re overly sensitive. -SH

You can think while I eat, you’ve done it plenty of times before. -JW

Not today. -SH

And what’s so different about today? -JW

It just is. -SH

Mature of you. -JW

Shut up. -SH

Not until you tell me what’s really bothering you. -JW

I’m fine, John. -SH

Yeah, because you throw fits over how loud I chew all the time. Something’s bothering you. -JW

Perhaps. -SH

Well go on, what is it? -JW

I didn’t say I would tell you. -SH

It might make you feel better. -JW

Or worse. -SH

I won’t poke fun, I promise. -JW

That’s not my concern. -SH

Well what is? -JW

I don’t want you to fuss. I just need somewhere quiet. -SH

I’m not asking out of curiosity, Sherlock. I want to help. -JW

I know you do. -SH

Come on, trust me with this. -JW

You could make a deduction. You know it’s something I don’t want to say. -SH

Which narrows it down to either your feelings or your family, maybe both. -JW

It’s a feeling of sorts. -SH

So what is it? Are you embarrassed about something? -JW

John, it’s really better if we don’t do this. I’m not going to do anything stupid. -SH

No, but you’re probably going to think about it until it drives you crazy. -JW

Right. I just have to stop thinking about it. -SH

Sherlock, that isn’t going to work, and it’s not healthy either. -JW

What if we took a case? Any case, even a really boring one. -SH

That wouldn’t distract you for long and you know it. -JW

I could go home and snap at you some more. -SH

You could, but it wouldn’t make you feel any better. -JW

No, no it wouldn’t. -SH

But talking about whatever’s bothering you might. -JW

I can’t, John. I promised you. One crisis at a time. -SH

That doesn’t mean that if something’s genuinely wrong you can’t tell me about it. -JW

There is a small possibility that I might be having one of those...nights. -SH

Ah. And you thought it would be better to try to wait it out than to talk to me about it just because of my sister? -JW

Yes. That’s the sum of it, yes. You don’t have to do anything or call anyone. -SH

I was thinking more like you come back so I can make you some tea and we can calm your mind down a bit. -JW

I don’t want to snap at you again. -SH

Now that I know the reason it won’t bother me so much. -JW

It’s that simple? -SH

Usually. -JW

Then I’ll be home in ten minutes. I don’t particularly want to be out at the moment, it so happens. -SH

Good. There’ll be be tea waiting for you. -JW

Just as always. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, Meepers here. I know it’s been a really long time since there’s been another chapter, and I am very sorry about that. Part of the reason for that is that we’ve both been so busy, but another part of it is that I’ve personally fallen out of the Sherlock fandom (mostly because of Moffat’s writing and treatment of the fandom) to the point where I haven’t even watched S4 yet. Because of that, we’re probably going to reach the end of this fic pretty soon. It’ll be a bittersweet ending for us, but it had to happen eventually. 
> 
> Luckily for the people with the patience to still be following this, I do have several chapters worth of backlog, so you’ll get at least get that before we reach the end. I’ll try to post them a little more frequently in the next month or two. 
> 
> Once again, thank you all for reading this!

**Author's Note:**

> Once the story has caught up to the point we're at I will do my best to update chapters as soon as we start a new prompt.
> 
> Check out our RP blog at http://consulting-flatmates.tumblr.com/ to see more of our writing and interact with Sherlock and John!


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